
A Bunch of Fun 



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A Bunch of Fun 

A Farce in Three Acts 



By 

ERASTUS OSGOOD 

Author of "The Other Dog s Meat,'' '*Her 

Bandit,'' *'The Com?nodore," *'7he 

Harvest," ''Dr. Umps " 



NOTE 

The professional stage rights in this play are strictly reserved and 
application for the right to produce it should be made to the author 
in care of the publishers. Amateurs may produce it without payment 
of royalty on condition that the name of the author appears on all pro- 
grammes and advertising issued in connection with such performances. 




WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

Publishers of Things Theatrical 

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS 

1922 



?5 35Z^/ 



FEB -4 1922 
©CI.D 59845 



'Vto 




Copyright, July, 1921, by Erastus Osgood. 

Class D. XXc. 

Copyright, 1922, by Erastus Osgood. 

All rights reserved. 



A Bunch of Fun 



A Bunch of Fun 



CHARACTERS 

Rev. Stephen Grandon, D. D., rector of St. Paul's. 

Mary, his wife, " flustered on occasions." 

Martha, his sister, '' a trifle warped." 

Christina, a Swede maid, " stuck on the movies." 

Raymond Hunting, a live wire. 

Vera Matherson, a baseball fan. 

Nina Lee, a stage aspirant. 

Cecily Moorland, the mandolin girl. 

Sylvia Stewart, the dancing girl. 

Lynn Lockwood, the man " who takes off his face." 

Alice Hunting, the entertaining girl. 

Murray Kent, a college playwright. 

" Tacks " Mulford, a football star. 

Mrs. Selina Blair, a pest in the parish. 



SYNOPSIS 



Place, Heatherdale near New York. Time, present. 
Act L " The Bunch " arrives. 
Act II. " The Bunch " in action. 
Act III. *• The Bunch " choose partners. 
The entire action takes place in the living-room at the 
rectory. 



A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS 

Dr. Grandon. About fifty. Grey, or almost white 
hair. Genial and kindly, yet always retaining his dignity. 
Wears clerical dress. 

Mary. Sweet, kindly, well bred woman about forty- 
five. 

Martha. A little older than Mary. Rather spare. 
Hair sprinkled with grey. A brusque way of speaking, 
but kindly at heart. Has a keen sense of humor. 

Christina. One of the best parts in the play, but can 
be easily spoiled if the actress tries to be *' funny." 
Christina is totally unaware that she is saying or doing 
anything funny at all. A stocky girl, blonde. 

Raymond. A good looking young fellow, full of life. 
A fairly rapid talker. 

Vera. A well built girl. Takes things easy under all 
circumstances. 

Nina. Fairly tall girl. Fine speaking voice. Has a 
touch of seriousness in her make-up. 

Cecily. A charming butterfly type of girl. Some- 
thing of a chatterbox. Able to play the mandolin. 

Sylvia. Slim, graceful girl. Able to give some pretty 
dance. 

Lynn. A jolly type of college man. Good amateur 
comedian. 

Alice. A little older than the other girls, and a little 
more subdued. 

Murray. A suggestion of the student about him. 
Quick to grasp a situation he might use In a play. 

Tacks. Tall, and heavily built. A little slow In 
speaking, but by no means stupid. 

Mrs. Blair. A tall gaunt type of country gossip and 
busy-body. Sharp speaking voice. 

Note. (By the author.) The lines must be learned 
thoroughly to make the play a success, as the action is 
rapid from almost start to finish. 



/ 


GAKDiSN OR LAITDSCAPE 


BACKING 


~~\ 


/ FAITCY ARCH \ 


'"'^OR OR 
POKIIERB 


\ SCBESir 

o 


FREITCH WHTDOW 


wickerX^ 

SLTYKK 


DOOR OR^ 
PORTIERB 

CHAIR \ 


/ 


[H 


h TELEPHOIDJ 


TASLE 



TAGE SETTIKG 



INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

ACT I 

Telephone on small table, r. Account book and paper 
for Mary. Furnishings for her desk. Dust cloth for 
Martha. Postman's whistle off r. Letters for Christina 
to bring in. Gum for Christina. Letter with envelope 
for Dr. Grandon to bring in. Auto horn off l. " Choo 
Choo" of auto (sandpaper blocks). Golf clubs in bags. 
Tennis rackets, musical instrument cases, hat bag, suit- 
cases. Letter and small package containing pool tickets. 
Tramp's fake face for Lynn. Mirror on or above mantel. 
Wicker furniture may be used throughout. 

ACT II 

Girl's hats and jerseys on chairs, musical instrument 
cases, tennis rackets. Feather duster for Martha. Book 
for Dr. Grandon. Mandolin and guitars to play off l. 
Music stand holding music for Sylvia's dance. Writing 
pencil and paper on table for Lynn and Nina. Flowers 
and straw to place in Nina's hair off L. Fire-bells to be 
faintly heard in distance off l. 

ACT III 

Subdued lights. Colored shades. Chinese lanterns. 
Dollar bill for Tacks. Box of candy for Sylvia. Coin 
for Alice. Wrist bag containing paper for Nina. Clown 
suit and make-up for Lynn off R. Ice-cream freezer for 
Christina to bring in. 



A Bunch of Fun 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Living-room at the rectory. Door or French 
window at c. in hack wall, looking out on gardenv, 
Door at r. leading to rector's study. Door l. leading 
to other apartments. Room prettily furnished. Table 
in c. Screen up r. c. Telephone on stand R. 

{Curtain rises on Mary, Mrs. Grandon, seated at desk 
L., looking over account hook and papers. Martha, 
Miss Grandon, dusting furniture, hric-a-hrac, etc.) 

Mary {looking up from hook). It's surprising how 
thoughtless and indifferent even the best of people can be 
sometimes. 

Martha {rather cold, severe voice). Not sometimes, 
but as a rule. Especially those who love the uppermost 
rooms at feasts. 

Mary. Martha dear, I am afraid you are inclined to 
be a — little bitter and uncharitable. I am sure the de- 
linquents who have failed to keep up with their weekly 
pledges, — will in time send in their contributions. 

Martha. Oh, probably, when they can turn their 
minds away from bridge and cars long enough to give a 
thought to the obligations they owe to their church. 

Mary. Again you are unfair; many of the poorer 
members in our parish are here on my black list. 

Martha {sits, sighs). Possibly my outlook on life 
has become a trifle warped. {Slight catch in voice.) For 
I have led a rather — struggling, disheartening existence. 

Mary {gently). I know, Martha, and it takes a long 
while sometimes for old wounds to heal. Even the 



° A BUNCH OF FUN 



memories of love's sweet songs often float back to us in 
a mmor key. 

Martha. Yes, that's true. 

Mary (cheerfttUy) . But Stephen never tires teUin? of 
the unfaihng help and comfort you were to him in his 
early mmistry,— until I came into his life to share his 
burdens and joys. Like the Martha of old you have been 
troubled about many things. But we have much to be 
thankful for Owmg to Mr. Hunting's generosity, we 
xiave the most charmmg rectory in the diocese 

Martha. And incidentally the most rooms to keep in 
order It seems almost absurd, such a large house for 
just three persons. * 

Mary (smiling) . Four ; including Christina. 

Martha. She s not a person ; simply a trial. 

fr.^l!'''' '." ^f "" y""'' "^'"dly suggestion that we 
took her away from her squalid home in The city — 

Martha. To make a movie fiend of her apparently I 
I fancy she went with Sophie, Mrs. Hunting's maid to 
the pictures again la.st night 

her^tnd r^nl'^T"' ''"' '^°" ^"^ " ^"" ^"^ lonely out 
nere, and must have some amusement. 

(Postman's whistle heard off.) 

L ^^Thfttr JJ'^ru -"j" P°''"'^"- ^^""'' f^^'^^d' door 
^) I better go. Christina is probably dreamino- of " The 

Penis of Pauline," or " The Blood-stained \vin'' ' 

Mary. I shall really be obliged to speak to her about 

h« mad mfatuation. It may prevent Lriou^ co^plica- 

Martha^ Oh, I don't imagine she will attempt to 
shoot up the house, throw us off the cliff noVT to 
embrace the rector, yet (Shrugs.) ^ *° 

(Enter Christina from door r. with letters in her hand 
EXusht"""' ^""- ^f'"''' ^» S^^dish broken 

Cnll 111 hv'' ^°" fv' ^'^''l^^""^' *'* the mail ! 
pj"f u 7- y°"' *'^'=s'e Grandon. The Mister 

Rector he swipe h.s from the mail man. (Hand! l^tersl 



A BUNCH OF FUN 9 

Mary. Thank you, Christina. But — swipe is not a 
nice word for you to use. 

Chris, {stares at Mary, cheming her gum). So? 

Mary {ynild severity). And I don't want to speak to 
you again, about talking to me with gum in your mouth. 

Chris. Oh, I forgets ! 

{Takes out gum and sticks it underneath the top of 
center table.) 

Martha {disgusted). Oh, you — ^you savage! 
Chris, {undisturbed). No, mam, I ban a Swede. 

(Mary by face and gesture indicates that Christina is 
impossible. Opens her letters.) 

Martha {sternly). Christina, you were at the moving 
pictures again last evening, were you not? 

Chris. Yes, Miss Grandon, I ban there. It was fine! 
" The Myste'y of de Whisperin' Pins." In five reels ; you 
ought to see it ! 

Martha. I don't think the Mystery of the Whisper- 
ing Pines would interest me in the least, such utter trash, 
and probably degrading ! 

Chris. Sure ! There was two raidings. One on 
gamblers an* anudder on moonsheeners. It was 

Martha. That will do. If you must go to the movies, 
try and cultivate a taste for something better, higher 

Chris. Higher! Why, they soak us thirty cent and 
the war ticks extra. 

Martha {in despair). You are — hopeless. Go back 
to your ironing. 

Chris, {goes slozvly towards door l.). Yes I better 
do dot, for I left the hot iron on your shirt-waist when 
de postman whistle, and maybe [Exits L. 

(Martha with a groan sinks into chair.) 

Mary {looking up from her letter). Well! Really — 
Dear me ! 

Martha. What is It, Mary? Bad news? 

Mary. No, not precisely — that. Humph. — I think 



^^ A BUNCH OF FUN 



you will agree Martha, that I seldom allow myself to 
become flustered, but on an occasion like this - 

letter^t ^''' """^ ^^""^ '^ *« occasion? That 

Mary. Is from Mrs. Hunting, asking me— very 

sweetly I'll admit-if I will entertain here afthT rector • 

wi tvf^''' '-n" '7^H ^y"" ^°"^S^'= Sn-h. Only to room 
here, they will take their meals at The Maples She 
writes that they are classmates of her daughter' Alice 
delightful girls but-naturally ah-full of life. VVhat 
do you— think? 

W^fntZT' ^''^' '" '' ^ ^'t^'^ °^ ?°°'i '^5'e for Mrs. 
Hunting to even propose such an arrangement I 

• ^""^^ " IS certainly placing us in a very embarrass- 

erou^— "■ "''"^' ^'^' ^"''^ ^'""^ ^"d gen- 

Martha. Unquestionably, but they don't own us If 
they did present their former old home to St. Paul's for a 
rectory, that is no reason why we should be obliged to 
receive a parcel of flighty girls for two weeks. 

Mary. Yes, of course. Yet a moment ago you were 
complaining that the house was absurdly large for jus? 
three persons ? ^ ■' 

Martha. Yes, that's true, I was, but to turn the' 
rectory mto a fraternity house-is quite a different thing 
Mary Of course we will have to confer with Ste- 
phen before we can decide anything definitely. I wonder 
If he has already been approached on the subject. I fancv 
1 can read between the lines that he has 

Martha. Probably. He is so kind and indulgent. 
No wonder that Mrs. Blair, in one of her outburst! of 
111 temper, accused him of being easy. 

(Enter frontdoor r. Dr. Grandon. He has an open 

cnthelaUec)' '^' '"^'^"^^ "^ ^^'^^ *^ "^'"f' 

b ?tor?-forTou r"' "' '^''"' "^^^ ' "'''''"' ^"^"- 
Mary (smiling). I think perhaps the surprise has 
already been told in a note from Mrs Hunting 



A BUNCH OF FUM II 

Dr. G. Ah yes, I see, of course. One can always 
count on Mrs. Hunting doing the correct thing. 

Martha. I should scarcely regard a request to have 
our peace and quiet shattered by a troop of madcaps as 
being precisely the correct thing ! 

Dr. G. (smiling). I am not so sure but that it is the 
very thing we need. Stirred up a bit by an exhilarating 
breeze from the outside world. I have been suspecting 
for sometime that we were gecting into a narrow rut ; and 
as dear brother Thaddeus used to say : Old heads can be 
kept young by association with young hearts. As you 
know we have all found some of the good people here 
in Heatherdale — well, a little conservative; and perhaps 
sometimes, a trifle unresponsive. 

Mary. Yes, that's true. Does Mr. Hunting give any 
further particulars in his letter ? 

Dr. G. Yes indeed. In a most cordial letter written 
from his office in town, (Consults letter.) it would seem 
a rather embarrassing complication has arisen, involving 
conflicting dates for the arrival of guests, owing to in- 
vitations being sent out by Mr. Hunting, Mrs. Hunting 
and Raymond without duly consulting with each other. 
(Chuckles.) As Hunting facetiously writes, The Maples 
has not the capacity of the ark, and only a few days ago 
it was discovered, that unless some dates were cancelled — 
an awkward thing to do — rooms must be secured outside 
for at least four of Alice's college friends, so you see in 
his dilemma he turns to us to relieve the situation. Of 
course we could not think of refusing. 

Mary. N-o, I suppose not. But as I was saying to 
Martha, and I think you will agree with me, Stephen, I 
seldom allow myself to become flustered, but on an occa- 
sion like this 

Dr. G. An occasion, my dear, when, on the young 
people's arrival, they will be charmed at the graciousness 
of their hostess' reception. 

Martha. And I throv/n into nervous prostration. 

Mary. Scarcely that, Martha, but even Mrs. Hunting 
admits we might find them — pretty gay. 

Dr. G. Naturally, why shouldn't they be? They are 



12 A BUNCH OF FUN 

young, care-free. {Chuckles.) Hunting predicts we 
would find them an inspiring bunch of fun ! A list of 
their names, supplemented by a hint at their individual 
accomplishments, would seem to bear out his prediction. 
Just listen to this. Vera Matherson, pitcher on her col- 
lege nine ! 

Martha {groans). She will probably break every 
pane of glass in the rectory. 

Dr. G. Nina Lee, a star in amateur dramatics. 

Martha. A play actress. 

Dr. G. Cecily Moorland, leader of her college man- 
dolin club. 

Mary. And the mandolin is such a fascinating instru- 
ment. 

Dr. G. Sylvia Stewart, a vision in aesthetic dances. 

Martha. A chorus girl in embryo. 

Dr. G. The list appeals to me as being most attract- 
ive ! 

Martha. It sounds to me like the program of a 
vaudeville show. 

Mary. But Mrs. Hunting, in her note, speaks of five 
girls being in the party. You have only mentioned four. 

Dr. G. Ah yes, her daughter Alice will make the fifth. 
You see, as the girls are Alice's special guests, she has 
given up her own room to two of her mother's friends, 
which will help to relieve the congestion somewhat up at 
The Maples. 

Mary. It will be quite a relief to have Alice here ; she 
is such a competent, sensible girl. 

Dr. G. Yes indeed. You see the Huntings have done 
the best they could under the circumstances. 

Mart-ra {sighs) . Perhaps they have. For yours and 
Mary's sake, Stephen, I will accept the situation as grace- 
fully as I can, but 

Dr. G. I am sure you will, Martha. Raymond is to 
entertain his special chums at an impromptu camp a 
short distance away. 

Martha. Which will probably be deserted most of 
the time, with five magnets here. 

Dr. G. {laughing). I fancy Hunting anticipated that 



A BUNCH OF FUN 



13 



very contingency, so, as a sort of a preliminary introduc- 
tion, he gives here the names of Raymond's friends. 
(Reads.) Tacks Mulford. (Speaks.) Huh! One of 
the most famous tackles on the gridiron ! 

Martha. I have seen his cut in the papers. It sug- 
gested a prize-fighter. 

Dr. G. I have heard Raymond speak frequently of 
Lynn Lockwood, a marvelously clever chap, a natural 
born vaudevillian ! 

Martha (half to herself). Our dear rectory turned 
into a cabaret ! 

Dr. G. Murray Kent. Ah yes. The talented young 
fellow who wrote the musical comedy his class presented 
last year. My, my ! What an array of talent we will 
have down here ! 

Martha (coldly). Does Mr. Hunting state when this 
swarm of locusts is likely to descend upon us? 

Dr. G. Martha, dear, I am afraid this prospective in- 
vasion into our quiet lives has — momentarily — ruffled 
your temper. 

Mary (consulting letter). Mrs. Hunting writes that 
the tenth was the day set for their arrival. So that will 
give us nearly two full days to put the rooms in order 
and make other preparations. 

Martha (rising). And we will attend to all the neces- 
sary arrangements personally. Christina would only 
prove a hindrance and a menace. I fear the movies are 
responsible for dissipating the minimum of wit with 
which nature originally endowed her. 

Mary. I agree with you, Martha. I will first tele- 
phone Mrs. Hunting that we consent, then get the key to 
the linen closet. (Rises.) 

(Enter Raymond Hunting in bicycle suit c.) 

Ray. Good-morning, doctor, Mrs. Grandon, good- 
morning, and you. Miss Martha. Mighty glad to find you 
all at home ! 

Mary. Good-morning, Raymond. I was about to tele- 
phone your mother 

Ray. That you have consented to take the girls in? 



14 A BUNCH OF FUN 

(Smiling.) I do hope so, or there will be the deuce to 
pay ! Pardon me ! 

Dr. G. Oh, that's all settled. We are anticipating 
their arrival with genuine pleasure. 

Ray. That's fine! Awfully good in you, but, (Em- 
barrassed laugh.) A new muddle has arisen. Not a 
half hour ago, Alice received a message from Vera 
Matherson that they are on their way here now by auto, 
and like the immortal Sheridan are only five miles away. 
For crazy stunts, it takes a girl to pull them every time. 
So I rushed right over on my wheel to warn you. 

Mary. Thank you, Raymond; it was thoughtful in 
you. So if you will excuse us? (Going towards door l.) 

Ray. Oh, certainly. It's too bad to rush you so. 
The boys will all be over soon. Maybe we could help 
you move furniture, or something. 

Martha. The stampede is on. I knew it. 

Mary (going). As I have said before, I seldom allow 

myself to become flustered, but on an occasion 

[Exits with Martha. 

Ray. I am afraid it will put you all to a lot of bother, 
doctor, the girls coming in ahead of schedule time? 

Dr. G. Not at all. I am rather pleased, for as my 
brother Thaddeus used to say: better a little ahead of 
time than behind. 

Ray. Just as soon as Alice had recovered from throw- 
ing a conniption fit on receiving Vera's message, she sent 
an S. O. S. call over to camp for Mulford and Kent, and 
down the State road they started at racing speed. I 
didn't quite catch the idea, probably to stage a " welcome- 
to-our-city'* act, and I left word for Lockwood to join 
me here. 

Dr. G. I am sure the young ladies will appreciate 
Alice's kind Intentions. 

Ray (laughs). I get you! The more fuss that's 
made over them, the better they'll like it. (Auto horn 
heard in distance.) Some one Is coming now, but whether 
it's the honored guests, Alice and her scouts or — neither, 
we'll have to find out. (Ray and Doctor go up to c. 
door looking off. Auto choo-choo heard approaching, 



A BUNCH OF FUN 1 5 

and girls' laughter.) That's the bunch all right ! I could 
tell Vera's laugh among a thousand! But — where is 
Alice and her body-guard? I'll bet they've missed con- 
nections! Gee, that would be funny. (Rushes out and 
is heard calling.) Ha! You — Stop — This is the rectory! 
(Girls' voices heard off stage all talking almost at once. 
Hello, Ray! Where's Alice f Did you get my message f 
We've had such an adventure! Yes. A hold-up! Ray^ 
off stage.) What? You haven't seen Alice? She and 
the boys started out to meet you. 

Vera (off stage). We must have missed them. 

Nina (off stage). We have met no one but hold-up 
men. 

(Enter from l. Mary, Martha and Christina with 
dust cloth.) 

Mary. Our young friends have arrived unexpectedly 
soon, have they not ? 

Martha. And Alice not here to meet them. 
Chris, (looking off). Are da movie actors? 
Martha (sharply). No ! Go back to your dusting. 
Chris. So. 

(Reluctantly goes to entrance, and stands in door 
through the following scene.) 

Dr. G. Yes. it's our party. They are saying some- 
thing about a hold-up. 

Martha. The whole affair impresses me as a hold-up. 

(Enter Ray followed by Vera, Nina, Sylvia and 
Cecily. They are carrying golf clubs, tennis rack- 
ets, musical instrument cases and bat bag. The 
Grandons group themselves at r. to receive their 
guests. The girls in scattered group up L. c.) 

Ray (slightly rattled). Dr. Grandon, Mrs. Grandon, 
Miss Grandon, ah— ah — this is the bunch! (The Girls 
giggle.) I know I am making a mess of it, but allow me 
to present Miss Matherson, (Indicating.) Miss Moorland, 
Miss Stewart and Miss Lee. (Wipes his brow. Mrs. 



^" A BUNCH OF FUN 



Grandon, the Doctor and Martha come forward and 
graciously shake hands, etc., saying pleasant things to 
which the girls respond. Martha rather stiffly ) I just 
want to add one more word, ladies, and it is this • That 
you can consider yourselves mighty fortunate in havino- 
th!£T ^^'•?u |P«"ding your outing in Heatherdale at 
the rectory with Dr. Grandon's charming household 
JNiNA. I am sure we are, Ray. 

to ?Jke us in.' "^^^ """^ '''''" ^°°'^ '" y°"' ^''- Grandon, 
Grandon"? ^ ''"''^ ^'°" ''°"'' '^''"'''^ ^"^ mandolin, Mrs. 

playe^TwelL *'"'' '' ' ''''™'"^ ''"'^ '"^''•"--t -hen 
Ray. That's where Cecily shines 

aho^ft i^i,.!?'*^"?' ^u^"' ^'°" l^^^'"^ Raymond something 
about a hold up ? Have you been robbed ? 

tru?t7bat!^°' '^°''°'"' *^"''' *° ^''^'^ P'"'^'^ ^"d her 
Dr. G. You were attacked then ? 

un n^ti, ^^"' r\ ^" ^"'="P' -=>^ made to hold us 
re^ads Tn A' °f ' '""'^ ^^-T^ j"^' ^^ere a guide-board 
reads. To Chester, eight miles; to Heatherdale, six. 

M^rr wu"""^ ^^^ 'P°* -^"' => '°"^'y bit of road, 
un hv fh. ^ "fTu '""^1" ^"'° J""' ^head of us draw 
up by the side of the road and stop, we scarcely gave it 
a thought, but when we drew nearer, and two men wear- 
ing masks jumped out, and standing in the middle of the 
road commanded us to stop, I for one will confess I 
was terribly frightened. i-oniess i 

Sylvia. I guess we all were 
Cecily (shivers) I know I was scared blue.. 
Ur. G. Naturally, with no man to protect you 
Nina. I was at the wheel, and for a moment almost 
paralyzed. Vera, n a voice that did not tremb e a b° t 
calmly remarked : "Well, what's the idea ? " And one of 
the men gruffly replied: " Your money and jewels please 
IS the answer! You needn't get out," he ordered " ,us( 
hand over the goods." Vera quietly informed him tha 
her valuables were in her suit-case, and to come and ge 



A BUNCH OF FUN 1 7 

them, an3 reached down into the body of the car. The 
man came around to her side, but instead of her suit-case, 
she brought up her bat bag, and quick as a flash brought it 
down on the man's head, who with a gasp staggered and 
fell ! 
Martha. Served him right. 

(Applause from the others.) 

Nina. Perhaps her quick action inspired me with 
courage, for I recovered my wits sufficiently to throw in 
the clutch, and on we rushed like mad! 

Ray. Good work ! 

Dr. G. Yes, indeed. Allow me to congratulate you. 
Miss Vera, and you, too. Miss Lee. 

Martha. The police should be notified at once. 

Mary. You were certainly very brave and clever. 
Miss Matherson. 

Vera. Thank you, Mrs. Grandon. Playing baseball 
teaches one to think quickly. 

Dr. G. Do you think you could identify the highway- 
man? 

Vera. Yes, doctor, I believe I could. There was also 
a woman in the party, who kept out of sight in the car. 
As we dashed past I heard her scream — " Max," — or a 
name that sounded like that — " are you badly hurt ? " 

Ray. Are you sure it wasn't Tacks ? 

Vera. It might have been. Why? 

Ray. I'll bet a five spot that your highwayman was 
Tacks Mulford and his companion Murray Kent, and the 
mysterious lady in the car was Alice ! 

All. Alice ? 

Ray. The surest thing you know, and that they were 
trying to put over one of Kent's brilliant practical jokes. 
Talk about the biter getting bit! Mommer! It's a 
scream ! 

Vera. Tacks Mulford, the football star? Oh, I may 
have hurt him seriously ! 

Ray. Not a chance. Tacks has been knocked uncon- 
scious so many times, he's got quite used to it. 

Mary. Well, of course it may have all been a joke, 



'" A BUNCH OF FUN 



but pretty dangerous fun I should think. But I am sure 

vourr^^n'^^? would Hke to go to your roommate 
your long adventurous ride. 

du^ty""' ^''^"'^ ^°"' ^^''- Grandon, we are a trifle 

traps ? ^' ^'" ^°" "°' ^"'"'' "" *° "''""^ '°™^ °^ y"""" 
your^'car.^"'' °^ '°""'' ''* '"^- '^^'" ^'" '"""^ ^^^^^ 

Vera. Thank you both, perhaps this time; but with 
your approval, Dr. Grandon, we are going to establ sh 
a rule while here of waiting on ourselves establish 

Mu!\P' ^?c *at's very kind and considerate in you 

^Z ■ ,i^r'"9-^ We'll have to talk that arrange- 

- ment over a little later. ^ 

(Laughs as he picks up suit-case and exits, as does 
Ray ^uh hands full. Mary and Martha /iC 
zmththe gtrls The bat bag is left behind. Vera 
and Sylvia bring up the rear.) 

Vera. Isn't the doctor an old dear? 

Syl. Yes and Mrs. Grandon. But the sister? 

anl^see. ^^^^"^"^ ^'''^"^- She's a frost. Just wait 

[Exit. 

(Lynn Lockwood appears at back from r. Look^ 
about, ^ then enters c. Spies bat bag, picks it up and 

Jstljr'""" ^''"" "•^- ^^"' °'<^ "-' y- got my 
..nff'l'"' '^"'/n<^ /" the words of Metamora, vou have 

rone/ "'..'"'^ ^ '^'^^ ';°"^- ^"t I am a litile foggy 
concerning the present action of the plav > 

ciear"oiSLr°'°'''^^'-- ^^'^"■^'^-^ ^t's not quite 

b^^Zw -'^A ^ understood the plot outlined bv Alice 
her gill friends were to arrive on Wednesday. Then she 
phones the camp that the dears were on the wav kid- 



A BUNCH OF FUN I9 

naps Tacks and Murray and starts a Barney Oldfield 
stunt in the direction of Chester, and you pass me the 
cue to meet you here ; am I right or, — am I left ? 

Ray. You have your Hues letter-perfect. The bunch 
have arrived, and are at present dolling up. They report 
a thrilling tale about being held up on the road from 
Chester. Masked men ! Mysterious lady ! Boo ! Regu- 
lar movie stuif ! 

Lynn. Holdup! Were they robbed ? 

Ray. No. It seems Vera crabbed the star part in the 
film. Sprang a Babe Ruth act by tapping the would-be 
Claud Duval over the dome with a bat. Nina put spurs 
to the car, and for the fade away they shot out of the 
danger zone in a cloud of dust and glory. 

Lynn. Well — what — do — you — know about that? 

Ray. I suspect more than appears on the surface. 

Lynn. That the hold-up may have been a fake? 

Ray. The boy has guessed right the very first time. 
At least it looks to me like one of Kent's phony prac- 
tical jokes. 

Lynn. It may have been at that. (Grinning.) Kent 
thinks up this Charlie Chaplin senario, and Tacks, the 
poor boob, gets the beating up. Huh. Quite classic for 
Tacks. Did you tell the girls you thought it might be a 
frame-up ? 

Ray. Yes, but I didn't put it too strong, so as to 
dampen their pride and pleasure. 

Lynn. As Alice and her confederates have not shown 
up yet, the plot bristles with possibilities. 

Ray. And we may look for a climax almost any min- 
ute. Did any mail come for me ? 

Lynn. Yes, a letter and a small package. 

(Hands them to Ray.) 

Ray (glances at letter). Ugh. A bill from my tailor. 
(Opens package.) Huh, old sport Davis has sent down 
a bunch of pool tickets for next week's games. I forgot 
to tell him that I was going to cut out that bunk. Well, 
maybe some of the fellows may want to try their luck. 

Lynn. Sure they will. I'll take four of them now. 



20 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Ray {hands him four in the package they came in. 
Puts the remainder in the envelope the Doctor dropped 
on table). Did you get any mail ? 

Lynn {grinning). Yes, the tramp's false face I sent 
for, and it's a dandy ! {Produces from pocket a hideous 
mask of tramp.) I am going to give Kent the scare of 
his young life some night, a little of his own medicine in 
the way of a practical joke, and see how he likes it. 

{Puts on mask.) 

Ray. It's a whoop ! 'Twill throw him into a panic. 
It's great. But say, old man, excuse me for a few min- 
utes, will you ? I promised the girls I would look after 
their car. 

{Exits, leaving envelope containing pool tickets on 
table. Soon auto heard going away. Lynn, with 
mask still on, goes up r. and surveys himself in 
mirror. Turns up coat collar, chuckles.) 

Chris, {heard outside l.). Yes, Missie Grandon, I 
tell him.^ (Lynn dodges behind screen. Christina 
enters, picks up bat bag. Examines end as if looking for 
spot that hit robber. Shakes her head mysteriously. 
Lynn comes out from behind screen. Christina looks 
up and sees him. She yells, then rushes at him with bat 
bag threateningly.) You robber! You hold-up man' 
I show you, I show you ! 

{Chases him around room.) 

,^^^^' ^^^y^' Stop it, you confounded little goose' 
{lears off mask.) I'm not a robber. I'm one of Mr 
Hunting's guests. 

Chris, {stares at him in wonder) . So ! Can you take 
off any more faces ? 

Lynn (3;^//.^). No! Say, does my face look as bad 
as that? 

Chris, {quietly). I— dunno,— mavbe. 

Lynn XVell, that's a swift one. ^ I must tell that to 
Kay while it s warm. {Runs off c. then l ) 



A BUNCH OF Fun 41 

(Christina goes up to c. and looks after him. Mrs. 
Selina Blair appears at c. fro^n r., standing behind 
Christina for an instant zvatching Lynn. Speaks 
with country twang.) 

Mrs. B. Christina, who is that young man, and why 
is he runnin' away? 

Chris. I — tink he go — to find anudder face. 

Mrs. B. {sharply). Another face? What's the mat- 
ter with his own face ? 

Chris. He say, it look bad. But I Hke it better dan 
de face he take off. 

Mrs. B. Took off his face? Christina, be you crazy, 
or jist tryin' to be smart? 

Chris. No, Misses — ah — ah — here is de one he 
take off. ( Goes to table and takes up mask. ) Miss-es 

Mrs. B. Mrs. Selina Blair. You must have heard Dr. 
Grandon mention my name. 

Chris. Oh, yes, he call you dat name, but his sister 
she say your name is " Bossie." 

Mrs. B. Oh, she does, does she? Humph. See here. 
A party of young women have taken rooms here, ain't 
they ? 

Chris. Yes, Misses Bossie — ah — ah — Mrs. Blair. 

Mrs. B. Who be they? 

Chris. I — tink da be movie actors. 

Mrs. B. Movie actors, here at the rectory ! What can 
Dr. Grandon be thinkin' of! (Picks up mask.) Prob- 
ably that young man was a m5vie actor too. Huh ! Nice 
goin's on. (Picks up envelope; pool tickets drop out. 
Reads.) New^ York Nationals, Chicago Americans, 
Brooklyn, Detroit. Pool tickets! I see our hired man 
have some jist like 'em, and they came by mail addressed 
to Dr. Grandon ! I'll jist take one of 'em along to pro- 
duce as ev'dence. (Going towards c. door.) You can 
tell Dr. Grandon there will be a special parish meetin' 
called on Saturday afternoon at three o'clock sharp, and 
that his presence is requested. I guess he, and his sister 
Martha, will find that Selina Blair can be bossie to some 
purpose. (Sniffs and exits tossing her head.) 

Cams, (watches her out). So? [Slowly exits c. 



22 A BUNCH OF FUN 

{Enter from l. Doctor, Mrs. Grandon and the Girls. 

The latter wear simple summer gowns.) 

Dr. G. As you young ladies, I believe, are each de- 
voted to some favorite amusement or diversion, so I have 
my hobby, the cultivation of pansies. I have collected 
sixteen varieties. 

Cecily. On, how lovely! Pansies are my favorite 
flowers. 

Dr. G. Indeed? Then I shall take great pride and 
pleasure in showing you my beds. 

Vera. Your beautifully kept tennis court attracted my 
attention as we drove up. 

Dr. G. Naturally, my young people have played many 
an exciting game out there, and I hope to witness a sample 
of your skill. 

Syl. It is certainly a lovely smooth bit of lawn. How 
I should love to dance out there in the moonlight. 

Dr. G. {smiling). Perhaps you will be given an op- 
portunity to do so, Miss Sylvia. {Addressing group.) 
On learning of your varied accomplishments, the idea oc- 
curred to me at once of giving a lawn party for the bene- 
fit of my favorite mission. 

Syl. Oh, we'd just love to ! 

Nina. Please do, Dr. Grandon ! 

Vera. 'Twould be a big success ! 

Dr. G. You are all very kind. I will have to take the 
matter up with some of my, church people, and see what 
can be done. 

Mary {who has been looking off c). Here comes 
Alice now with one young man. I wonder if Raymond's 
surmise was correct, and that Mr. Tacks, as you call him, 
was rendered hors de combat? 

Vera {joining Mary at back). Hoo-hoo! {Waving 
her hand.) Alice, here we are! Where have you been? 

Alice {calling). Vera! Are the girls all here? 

Vera. Yes, of course; where would they be? 

{Rushes out to meet Alice.) 
Nina. Let's not say a word about our hold-up, and 



A BUNCH OF FUN 23 

see if she'll allude to it ! Ray may have been mistaken, 
you know. 

Syl. If she's guilty we'll soon discover it. 

Dr. G. I will admit I am eager to know the facts 
myself. 

Alice {enters with Vera). We might have missed 
you by trying a short cut. 

Vera. Y-e-s, so you might. 

(Murray Kent follows the girls in.) 

Alice {rushes to Nina). You dear old Nina! {Kisses 
her.) And Sylvia and Cecily, I am so glad to see you. 

Mary. And this I presume is Mr. Kent? 

Alice. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Grandon. {Laugh- 
ing.) Yes, Murray Kent, the famous playwright. And 
Dr. Grandon, Mr. Kent. 

Dr. G. Glad to meet Mr. Kent. {Shakes hands.) 

Alice. Miss Stewart, I think you have met. 

Murray. Yes, I think I had the pleasure of meeting 
Miss Stewart once. 

Nina. Twice, {Smiling.) if I am not mistaken, Mr. 
Kent. 

Alice. Nina, of course you know. And this is Miss 
Matherson and Miss Moorland. 

(Murray and girls bow, etc.) 

Vera. But where is Mr. Mulford? Ray tells us you 
kidnapped him from the camp along with Mr. Kent ? 

Alice {slightly confused). Ah — yes — of course, so I 
did. {Forced laugh.) Do you know, I think Tacks must 
be in love ; he seemed so terribly anxious to get his mail. 
He left us to rush over to camp. (Murray is talking 
with Vera up stage in pantomime. The others exchange 
significant glances.) It was just dear in you, Mrs. 
Grandon, to take us in. 

Mary. I am sure we will all enjoy your bright com- 
pany very much. 

Dr. G. Yes indeed. For as my dear brother Thad- 
deus used to say: As sunshine and showers are essential 
to keep green the sturdy oaks as well as flowers, so can 



24 A BUNCH OF FUN 

the smiles and patter of youthful laughter keep fresH 
sweet memories in the heart of old age. 

Cecily. That is a pretty sentiment, Dr. Grandon, and 
I feel certam your brother must have possessed a sunny 
disposition of his own. 

Dr. G. He did, Miss Cecily, and radiated happiness 
wherever he went. 

Nina. I can't see where we went wrong? We fol- 
lowed the guide posts faithfully! 

Alice. I dare say it was our fault. We acted very 
stupidly. 

Vera {to Murray). I am sorry you were unable to 
brmg Mr. Mulford with you. He is such a famous ath- 
lete, I wanted so much to meet him. 

MuR. {confused). Ah, yes; ah, Tacks was sorry too. 
But you see {Hesitates.) he had to keep an appointment. 

Vera. With a doctor? 

MuR. Ah ! Oh, no ! 

Vera. With a pretty Red Cross nurse then, perhaps, 
first aid to the mjured, and all that sort of thing? 

{A ripple of suppressed laughter from the company,) 

Ai.iCY.{very much confused). Why! What are you 
all laughing at? 

Vera {laughing). Oh, nothing. {Sneezes.) Just a 
touch of hay fever. 

Syl. Perhaps you got overheated with your batting 
practice. Vera? 

Alice. Batting practice ? 

Syl. Yes, just enough of a hit to make a home run. 

{All hurst into laughter.) 

Alice. ^ Then you did recognize us ! {Sits and buries 
her face in her hand.) I am heartily ashamed of the 
whole foolish business. 

MuR. That's not fair for you to take the blame, 
Alice. It was all my fault. When we saw you coming' 
the fool idea popped into my head of playing at hold-up; 
I suggested it to Tacks, and it struck us both as being 



A BUNCH OF FUN 2$ 

funny just at the moment. Alice consented, never dream- 
ing but that you would discover it was a fake almost at 
once. 

Nina. Well, we didn't. The scare worked all right. 
You could see that by the way we put on speed. 

Alice. Then how did you catch on ? 

Nina. When we told our thrilling adventure to Ray, 
and especially when we came to the part about the 
mysterious woman in the car calling, as we understood, 
** Max, are you hurt?", he went into roars of laughter, 
and offered to bet any amount that Tacks was the name 
called. 

Vera. But tell me, Mr. Kent, did I hurt Tacks badly? 
and was he very angry ? 

MuR. Angry? Not a bit. Even while bathing a 
lump on his head, he laughed immoderately. Called you 
a plucky girl, and that Ty Cobb would have to look out 
for his laurels. He wants to meet you so that he can 
offer you 

Alice (laughing). Murray, don't tell her any more, 
she is bursting with conceit as it is. 

Vera. Well, I'll tell the world that he is a dead game 
sport, and I'll accept. 

Nina. Go slow, Vera. It may be his heart he has to 
offer! (All laugh.) 

Ray (enters from c. all excited. Martha from l.). 
Hello, everybody, I am mighty glad to see you all ! Talk 
about your three-ring circus and a bally-hoo thrown in ! 

Alice. For pity's sake, Ray, what's happened now ? 

Ray. That old cat Mrs. Blair has happened, and I 
wish she never had. 

Dr. G. Mrs. Blair; why, please explain, Raymond. 

Ray. I'll try to, doctor, but I'm all up in the air, and 
will have to explain in bunches, for she's on her way 
here now. She is spreading a report through the village 
that the rectory is filled with movie actors and actresses. 
One man in particular who has a dozen faces. But that's 
not the worst, that the rector is selling pool tickets on 
baseball games; she has one of the tickets to show aa 
evidence ! 



26 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Dr. G. Bless my soul ! Why — why — the woman must 
have gone insane! 

Martha. She didn't have far to go. 

Ray. I overtook her on the road, and opened on her 
with both barrels. 

Dr. G. What defense did she have to offer? 

Ray. From her mistaken viewpoint, a fairly good one. 
She states she called here this morning and was told your 
guests were movie-picture actors. 

Mary. I was not aware that the woman had been in 
the house in a week ; were you, Martha ? 

(Martha shakes her head dismally.) 

Dr. G. And I selling pool tickets, and she claims she 
obtained one here ? Why, I don't believe I would know a 
pool ticket if I saw one. 

Ray. I am ashamed to say I would. A bunch was 
sent to me this morning. {Feeling in pockets.) And 
I'm blessed if I know what I did with them. 

Mary. But she must have met some one here who 
told her our guests were movie stars. 

Alice. But the man with a dozen faces, who can 
he be? 

Martha. I have a horrible suspicion that Christina is 
at the bottom of this. She is a haimting menace. I'll 
call her. {Goes to l. calling.) Christina, come here. 

Ray. Well, what with hold-ups, knock-outs, and an 
insane woman at large, one might say we have opened 
the exercises at Heatherdale in pretty good shape. 

(Christina placidly enters chewing gum.) 

Mary. Christina, was Mrs. Blair here this morning? 

Chris. Yes, Missie Grandon, she say her name was 
Mrs. Blair. Oh! I forgot. I was to tell the Mister 
Rector, there was to be a Polish meeting on Saturday, 
and he was invited. 

Mary. Did you tell her our guests were movie 
actors ? 

Ci-iRTS. She say da was, and I say, I tink so. 

Mauy. Did you tell her there was a man here with 
different faces? 



A BUNCH OF FUN^ If 

Chris. She seen him. He could take off his face. 
He scare me, and I chase him wid a club ! 

MuR. Insane germs must be in the air, and Christina 
has swallowed a mouthful. 

Dr. G. Christina, did you tell Mrs. Blair that I was 
selling pool tickets ? 

Chris. No, Mister Grandon, she find 'em! 

Dr. G. Found them ? Where ? 

Chris. On de table. Dar da are now. She called 
'em fool tickets, I dunno. 

Ray. Great Scott, they're mine ! I must have left 
them there this morning. Fool tickets is right. 

Alice. Oh, Mrs. Grandon, I am so distressed, I am 
afraid we have brought you into no end of trouble. 

Mary. Not at all, my dear. Christina, are you sure 
it was Mrs. Blair? 

Chris. Yes, Missie Grandon, she ask me, and I say I 
hear de rector call her Misses Blair, but that Miss Martha 
she alius call her Misses Bossie. 

Martha. Horrors 1 This settles it, Stephen. I insist 
that you send this — creature back to the city at once. 
And if I had my way I'd hand her over to the police ! 

(Mrs. Blair appears at hack.) 

Chris, {in a wail). Oh, good Mister Rector, please 
don't send me back to de city, and hand me to police- 
mans ! 

{Bursting into tears she throws herself into Dr. Gran- 
don's arms.) 

Dr. G. {struggling to push her away). Christina, re- 
strain yourself. 

Mrs. B. {coming down to front). No, I shouldn't 
think you would want to leave here where the rector treats 
you so nice. {Sternly.) Dr. Grandon, there will be a 
parish-meeting called for Saturday at three o'clock sharp. 

QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same as in Act I ; a few days later. The 
room somewhat in disorder. Girls' hats and jerseys on 
chairs, musical instrument cases, and tennis rackets 
about. Dr. Grandon seated R. c. at table reading a 
hook. Mary at desk writing. Martha with feather 
duster in her hand at back, business of picking up a 
fan here, a glove there and bits of flowers scattered 
about. 

(As the curtain rises mandolins and guitar are heard 
off back and continue a short selection through the 
opening dialogue. Mary looks up from her writing, 
and half unconsciously begins beating time with her 
pen-holder. Soon the DocTon^begins waving his hand 
to the rhythm. Then Martha stops her work and 
her duster szvays back and forth to the measures. 
When she notices the actions of the others, she stops 
suddenly.) 

Dr. G. (glances up from his book and watches Mary, 
smiling). Well, my dear, I see you are being lured away 
from your writing by the young people's charming music. 

Mary (a little ashamed). I — I believe I was beating 
time. There is something irresistible about the music of 
string instruments. 

Dr. G. So there is. (Laughs.) A moment more, 
and I dare say I would have been waving an imaginary- 
baton. 

Martha. You have been doing so for the past few 
minutes. 

Dr. G. Not really ? Well, I am glad I fell under the 
spell, for as Brother Thaddeus often quoted: "The man 
that hath no music in himself, nor is not moved with 
concord of sweet sounds is fit for treason, stratagems and 
spoils." 
28 



A BUNCH OP FUM 



29 



Martha. Then Mrs. Blair must be stone deaf. 
^ Dr. G. Poor Mrs. Blair, I am afraid she is inclined to 
jump at conclusions too hastily. 

^ Martha. I can see nothing but downright petty malice 
m her hurrymg to spread a slander concerning her rector. 
Ignorance and stupidity can be offered as an excuse for 
Christina's part in the unfortunate affair. 

Mary {with light laugh). Had we wished for re- 
venge, we certainly have it. I understand Mrs. Blair is 
bemg subjected to no end of chaffing by many of our 
staunch friends in the village. 

^ Dr. G. Oh, I am sorry to hear that; perhaps after all 
It may have been a laudable jealous fear that the rectory 
by some mistake was not being treated with proper re- 
spect, which prompted her to be, well, possibly over- 
zealous. 

Martha {impatiently). And that her rector had de- 
generated into a pool seller. Stephen, if I didn't know 
you to be the best brother in the world, I should openly 
denounce you as a hypocrite. 

Dr. G. {laughing). Well— well ! I am certainly get- 
tmg It from all sides. By one faction that I am too bad, 
and now from you that I am too suspiciously good. I 
see. {Sighs.) Like the unfortunate man in the fable I 
find I can't please everybody. 

Mary. Well, you cannot complain that your proposal 
to give the lawn party did not meet with unanimous 
approval. 

Dr. G. With genuine enthusiasm. It was most grati- 
fying. I prophesy it will prove a great success. 
{Chuckles.) And now I am going to give Martha a 
shock. I have about decided to appoint Mrs. Blair chair- 
man of the executive committee. I think you will admit, 
Martha, that she Is an Indefatigable worker, and besides 
It may act as a panacea to silence wagging tongues. 

Martha {looks at him calmly for an instant, then re- 
marks quietly). Stephen, dear, you are more subtle than 
I should have believed. Your revenge will be complete, 
overwhelming. 

Dr. G. {in astonishment). Complete, overwhelming? 



Jd A BUNCH OF FUN 

Why — why, I am not seeking revenge. In what way am 
I subtle ? You are talking in enigmas, Martha. 

Martha. Our young friends are to furnish the enter- 
tainment at the lawn party, are they not ? 

Dr. G. Why — yes, they have kindly offered to do so. 

Martha. Possibly you observed that Mrs. Blair did 
not make a knock-out hit, as Raymond would say, with 
the young people when she called here the other day. 
Their glances conveyed much to me. 

Dr. G. Why— yes, I will admit that Mrs. Blair's atti- 
tude may have seemed to them unwarrantable, still I fail 
to see 

Mary (laughing) . I think I am beginning to catch the 
drift of Martha's innuendoes, but I am sure the young 
people are too well bred and kindly to antagonize or 
embarrass Mrs. Blair in any way. 

Martha. Oh, I don't apprehend that Miss Vera will 
again resort to her bat, or young Lockwood attempt to 
frighten her with his masks, but I fancy they will make 
their presence felt ; and some of the details incidental to 
this party may linger in Mrs. Blair's memory for some 
time. I trust I have not given you a shock, Stephen, 
dear. 

Dr. G. (smiling). Not at all. (Laughing.) A fig 
for your predictions! I fancy you will find that Mrs. 
Blair will be quite capable of riding over all obstacles. 

(Rises, going towards door r.) 

Martha. Probably, but she may encounter a few be- 
wildering hurdles on the way. 

Dr. G. We'll see. But I must be on my way to con- 
sult with one of my committees. We must do all in our 
power to make this lawn party the event of the season. 

[Exit R. 

Martha. I hope Stephen will succeed in keeping Mrs. 
Blair subdued as effectually as Christina appears to be. 

Mary (half laughing). Poor Christina, her fear of 
being sent back to the city was almost pathetic. 

Martha. I wonder if her manner of embracing Ste- 
phen was according to standards approved by Miss Pick- 



A BUNCH OF FUN 3 1 

ford or Norma Talmadge? I think I better go and 
reconnoitre; she may be planning some new escapade 
worthy the skill and daring of William S. Hart or Fair- 
banks. 

Mary. I will leave Christina to your tender mercies. 
(Rises.) While I go over to Mrs. Perry's for a moment. 
Her little girl is quite ill. 

Martha. Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I wonder if 
there is anything I can do ? 

Mary. Perhaps, I will see. [They exit L. 

(Enter Cecily and Ray. She has her mandolin. They 
sit R. c. Their dialogue should be taken brightly.) 

Ray. Your turn will make the hit of the evening, 
Cecily ; you sure can make that little box sing. 

Cecily. Oh, quit your jollying, Ray. But why didn't 
you tell me your friend Mulford was musical? He 
played a dandy second. 

Ray. Then he played an instrument that no clever 
woman has ever learned to play. 

Cecily. Why, what's that? 

Ray. a second fiddle. (Grinning.) 

Cecily. Pooh ! Smarty, is that original ? 

Ray. Yes, I read it in '' Life." 

Cecily. But Ray, have you noticed how thick Vera 
and Mulford are becoming? Only known each other 
three days, and now It's Vera and Tacks if you please. 
(Shrugs.) But, of course, it was a foregone conclusion. 

Ray. Ah. Why was it? 

Cecily. Because she made such a stunning hit the 
first time they met. (Laughs.) Now will you be good ? 

Ray. Ah, I see, — No wonder he got the swelled head. 

(Vera and Tacks appear at back. She has a guitar, 
he a mandolin.) 

Vera. My! It must have been exciting; only five 
minutes to go, and Markam, the rush, tearing down the 
field ! Well, go on ! 

Tacks. He would have made a touchdown sure, 
only 



32 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Vera {all excited). Yes, well what? 

Tacks {grinning). Ah, somebody got in his way. 
There was a crash 

Vera. And that somebody was you? The hero to 
win the game. 

Tacks. Well, when I came to, they were yelling that 
we had won. 

Cecily. Oh, you two cranks. Do you do nothing but 
talk sport? 

Vera. Well, I like that, when we have been playing 
back time to you for the last half hour. 

Cecily. Oh, that reminds me ! I have a riddle to ask 
you. What instrument is it a clever woman has never 
learned to play? 

Tacks. Not being a woman I refuse to answer. 

Vera. Well, I'll bite, what is it ? 

Cecily {rattled). Ah, a bass viol! No, I mean a 
second fiddle. 

{They all roar with laughter.) 

Ray. Cecily, stick to your music; you are not a 
comedian. 

Cecily. I guess that's right. But where are Lynn 
and Sylvia ? Hasn't he arranged the program yet ? 

Tacks. They are out in the garage practising a crazy 
sort of a dance. 

Cecily. Pooh, just an excuse to spoon. 

Vera. The sketch Murray has written, or probably |||, 
cribbed, for him and Nina to do must be something weird. H, 

Ray. How weird? 

Vera. She was sitting up on the limb of a tree, and 
he, with his hand on his heart, was looking up at her like 
a sick cat. 

Ray. Help, Police ! You don't suppose they are going 
to spring the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet ? 

Tacks. Scarcely. He told me It was going to be 
something screamingly funny. 

Cecily. So the balcony scene would be if they at- 
tempted it. 

Vera. Oh, I guess It is going to be comedy all right. 



A BUNCH OF FUN 33 

Alice seemed to be sort of directing the act, and was 
laughing fit to kill. Come on, Tacks, let's have a little 
warming up. I feel just like going outside and tossing 
over a few. (Goes to back of stage, business of winding 
up and pitching an imaginary ball. Tacks takes his place 
as catcher grotesquely. Enter Lynn and Sylvia.) Well, 
how comes on the Follies of 1921? 

Syl. Couldn't be better! The Lamb's Gambol will 
have nothing on us. 

Vera. What did you say the name of yours and 
Lynn's dance was to be? The Kangaroo Kick, or The 
Baboon Bounce ? 

Syl. Vera, don't be coarse. 

Vera {with derisive laugh). Couldn't be if I tried. 
Say, Tacks, how is this for a fade-away? 

{Pantomime of pitching.) 

Tacyls {pantomime catching). W^on-der-ful ! It would 
fool any one, except the batter. 

Syl. The dance you saw Lynn and me trying out was 
just a little encore bit we may introduce for the wind-up 
of his specialty. 

Ray {grinning), I see. As a sort of apology of what 
has gone before. 

Cecily. What are you going to give for your solo 
number, Sylvia? 

Syl. I thought of putting on "A Venetian Dream." 
It's very simple but so dainty. 

Cecily. Oh, I just love that. 

{Humming melody of dance.) 

Lynn. "A Venetian Dream." Then of course the 
mandolins ought to play for the dance. It would be 
most effective. 

Vera. Is the guitar part hard? 

Cecily. No. Time keys of G and C. I think I have 
the music here. {Looks over music, selects a piece, and 
places it on racks for Tacks, Vera and herself.) Do 
stop your windmill foolishness long enough to try it. Vera. 



34 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Syl. It would be pretty. As Cecily says, we might 
try it. (Smiling.) But if you fall down I'll discharge 
you. 

Vera (they tune). Cecily, your X please. 

(// the performers are unable to play mandolins and 
guitar, by a slight substitution in the lines one of the 
cast might play the piano or violin.) 

(Sylvia executes a pretty fancy dance.) 

Lynn. That's fine. (They all applaud.) 
Cecily. Oh, we're the goods all right. 

(Enter Alice and Murray.) 

Lynn. Well, how did the sketch go ? 

Alice. Immense ! Nina is a wonder, and Murray has 
written such clever lines. 

Cecily. What is the name of the sketch, Murray? 

MuR. I think I shall call it " The Rube and the Daisy." 

Ray. What do you suppose the audience will call it? 

MuR. Whatever they blame please. You make me 
tired. 

Syl. Where is Nina? 

MuR. Stopped to speak to Miss Grandon, who was on 
her way to see some sick youngster. That reminds me ; 
she wants you all to vamose, so she can have this room to 
herself to run through her readings, and she said some- 
thing about trying on a new gown for her act. 

Vera. Oh, very well. If that's the way she feels 
about it, I move we adjourn to the tennis-court. What 
say? 

Cecily. I'm with you. We have more than enough 
to play mixed doubles. 

MuR. As you have more than enough, without me, 
if you don't mind I'll stroll over to camp. I want to 
smooth out some of the lines in the sketch. Should you 
want to speak to me, call up there. 

Ray. We'll get Christina to do the 'phoning ; she might 
suggest some good comedy stuff. 

MuR. (laughing). She might do just that very little 



A BUNCH OF FUN 35 

thing. I was talking senarios with her the other day. 
Bye-bye. [Exits at back. 

Alice (going towards door l.). I'll join you later. 
Perhaps Nina might want me to act as lookout, in case 
Mrs. Blair might drop in again unexpectedly. 

Ray (in disgust). Mrs. Blair, she's the limit. 

Lynn. Only surpassed by that exotic violet, Chris- 
tina. 

Cecily. I suspect it is Nina's dress you want to see, 
more than to protect her from Mrs. Blair, that is keeping 
you from tennis. 

Alice. I'll confess that it is, Cecily. (Laughing.) 

Syl. Well, if Mrs. Blair does come poking around, 
make it interesting for her. 

Vera. And put in an extra dig for me. 

(All move up towards c. door.) 

Syl. Where on earth did I leave my racket ? 
Tacks. I saw a racket out in the hammock. 
Syl. Oh, yes, I remember now. 

(All exit except Lynn and Alice.) 

Lynn (Alice about to exit l.). Just a moment, Alice, 
a word on the quiet. For a special reason I want to get 
a line on that sketch of Murray's, " The Rube and the 
Daisy." 

Alice. It's very clever. The plot, not especially 
novel. A country boy falls in love with a pretty city 
boarder. Its particular charm lies in the awkward, yet 
rather appealing, way he reveals his love to the girl. 
Murray does some really good work in that scene. I 
found myself laughing, and at the same time there was a 
tug at my heart. As the critics say, he played con- 
vincingly. 

Lynn. Of course he did. He was speaking from his 
heart. 

Alice. Lynn, do you really think so ? 

Lynn. The surest thing you know. I have suspected 
for some time that he was gone on Nina, and didn't quite 
have the sand to tell her so. 



36 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Alice. Well, now we are exchanging confidences, I 
am quite sure that Nina is awfully fond of Murray. Oh, 
it was not all acting the way she looked at him to-day at 
rehearsal. Ah, ah, couldn't we do something to kind of — 
smooth the way for them, so we could almost hear the 
tinkle of wedding bells in the not too distant future? 

Lynn. I can see you are a natural match-maker. So 
unusual, for a woman, but leave the affair for the time 
being in the hands of little Lynnie. I have a plot half 
worked out in my mind. Really, a most novel scheme. 
(Alice is about to speak.) All the help you can give me 
at present is to drop, casually, you understand, a good 
word for Murray in Nina's shell-like ear. You press that 
little button, and I'll do the rest. 

Alice {going). All right. But I can't see any reason 
for you being so mysterious. {At door l.) 

Lynn. Be a good child and ask no questions. And 
on your way out, please tell Christina to come here a mo- 
ment. 

Alice {in dismay). Is Christina to be your confidant? 
Mercy! Then I can see Nina's and Murray's romance 
debased as the motif for a moving picture horror. 

[Exits l. 

(Lynn, laughing to himself, goes to table and begins 
writing on a slip of paper. Chuckles as he writes. 
Christina enters, chewing gum.) 

Lynn. Well, Christina, how are the movies these 
days? (Christina comes close, looks at his face up and 
down. Lynn laughs.) Yes, that's my real face. It 
won't come off. 

Chris. So. {Sadly.) I don't go to the movies no 
more. Miss Martha say they bad for me. I dunno. 

Lynn. Now that's a shame. What kind of pictures 
do you like best? 

Chris. I hke, where they make love, and get all mar- 
ried. 

Lynn. Of course you do. Marriage is always lovely, 
on the screen. And the scenes where the villain tries to 
keep the lovers apart 



A BUNCH OF FUN 37 

Chris, (excited). Yes, I love dat. It's fierce! 

Lynn. Did you see the picture " Faithful Nancy " ? 

Chris. Yes, I seen dat, where da lock de princess up 
in the cooler ! 

Lynn. That wasn't a cooler. That was a castle 
tower. 

Chris. Sophie say it was a cooler. I dunno. 

Lynn. And I know the part you like best, where 
Nancy, the maid, carries the princess' letters to her lover. 

Chris, (excited). Sure. Sophie say dat maid was all 
to the mustard. 

Lynn. And Sophie was quite right. How would you 
like to play a part like Nancy, in real life, and make two 
lovers happy? 

Chris. I'd like it fine. But Miss Martha would hand 
me over to the policemans. 

Lynn. I hope Miss Martha is not so lacking in senti- 
ment as to do that. But Miss Martha need know noth- 
ing about it. 

Chris, (shakes her head douhtfidly) . I dunno. 

Lynn. She couldn't find out, for you wouldn't have 
to carry any letters, just telephone them. 

Chris. Who is de lovers? 

Lynn. Mr. Kent and Miss Lee. 

Chris. Is she going to be locked up in a castle tower? 

Lynn. No, I hope not. 

Chris, (thoughtfid for an instant). But da talk to- 
gether eve'y day. Why don't he tell her? 

Lynn. That's just it. He wants to, but is too bash- 
ful. You know what I mean ? 

Chris. Yes. (Shyly.) I get dat way sometimes. I 
turn red and feel cold. 

Lynn. Yes, that's a marked symptom. It's like this. 
I want you to telephone Mr. Kent, he's out at our camp, 
this message. I've written it out. It is what Miss Lee 
would say to him if she dared. 

Chris. Is Miss Lee bashful too? Ain't that fierce? 

Lynn. It's worse, it's annoying. So I thought you 
might play a part like Nancy, and perhaps bring the 
young lovers together. See? So in about fifteen min- 



3^ A BUNCH OF FUN 

utes you are to call up Mr. Kent. This is the number 
you are to call. 7-9-3-R. I have written the number 
very plainly, 7-9-3-R, and this is what you have been told 
or overheard Miss Lee say. {Reads what he has writ- 
ten.) **I think Murray the dearest man I ever knew. 
So fine looking and clever. And the way he makes love 
in the sketch would set any girl's heart on fire. Why 
doesn't he speak to me that way for himself?" Now 
let's see if you can read it. 

Chris, {reads haltingly), I— t'ink— Murray— is de 

darndest man 

Lynn. No ! Dearest man. 

Chris. Oh, yes, dearest man. I— know, so— fine 

looking and — clover 

Lynn. And clever. 

Chris. And clever, and— the way he — make love in 

de — skitch 

Lynn. No. Sketch ! 

Chris. In de sketch,— would set— any girl's- house- 
on fire 

Lynn. No ! Any girl's heart on fire. 
Chris. Why don't he speak to me— like dat for him- 
self ? 

Lynn. Think you understand it all right? 
Chris. I t'ink so. {Prodigious sigh.) Gee! Dat's 
hot stuff. 

Lynn. Now remember, you are not to call him up for, 
say fifteen minutes._ He has just started for the camp. 
And be sure no one is about when you 'phone. You know 
how to telephone, don't you ? 

Chris. Yes, Miss Martha show me. You take down 
the handle and say, hello, dis is de rect'y. 

Lynn. Yes, that's the idea. Then you must call that 
you want number 7-9-3-^- Now, let me see. What shall 
we do with this paper? You might lose it. Let— me— 
see. {Feeling in pockets, brings out envelope.) Ah, the 
ver>^ thing! And it's addressed to Kent, too. It's the 
envelope his trout flies came in. {Laughs. ) And maybe 
he'll jump at this bait. So we'll put the message in this. 
{Does so.) And now where shall we hide it? {Picks 



A BUNCH OF FUN 39 

Up book on table and reads title.) " Rome Under Nero.'* 
No one but the doctor would be likely to read that book. 
{Puts envelope in book with edge sticking out.) Now 
you will know just where to find it? 'Phone just what I 
have written, as coming from Miss Lee, and you'll be a 
" Faithful Nancy " for fair. Good luck, Christina. I 
believe I'll go out by the way of the study. [Exits door r. 
Chris, (looks after him, shaking her head doubtfidly) . 
I dunno. 

(Nina enters from l., dressed in the robes of Ophelia, 
her hair down her back, flowers and straw in hair, 
etc. She is followed by Alice. Christina turns 
and sees Nina. Gives half-smothered scream.) 

Alice. Don't be frightened, Christina, Miss Lee is 
dressed up like one of the characters in " Hamlet," and 
you like plays, you know. 

Chris. Yes, I like movie plays. (Making her way to- 
wards door L., evidently frightened.) But, I t'ink, I got 
some work to do. 

(Quick exit, but during the following scene between 
Nina and Mrs. Blair, she every now and then peeks 
in door and then vanishes.) 

Nina. My make-up must be striking. Christina was 
apparently much impressed. 

Alice. It is perfect ! You are an ideal Ophelia. 

Nina. I don't think we will be disturbed. The 
Grandons are all out, and the girls. 

Alice (goes to c. and looks off l.). The bunch are 
playing tennis for dear life. (Turns and looks off R.) 
Oh, horrors! here comes Mrs. Blair. How unfortunate. 
How can we get rid of her? 

Nina (quietly). I am glad she's coming. It's an op- 
portunity I've been longing for to square accounts for her 
abuse of the Rector. Leave her to me, and unless I am 
very much mistaken, she'll leave this room in less than 
five minutes, and faster than she ever did before in her 
life. 



40 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Alice. For pity's sake, don't be rough with her, Nina. 
It would displease the Rector terribly. 

Nina. I don't propose to address one word to her. 
Just skip into the study and enjoy the fun. 

Alice {going to door r.). Do be careful, Nina. [Exits. 

Nina. Just watch me. 

{Exits door l., leaving it half open.) 

(Mrs. Blair enters c, wearing ordinary summer 
clothes, hut has on her hat one or two red feathers 
sticking straight up. She looks around as if in 
search of some one. Goes towards l., hut stops with 
a jerk on hearing Nina outside reciting in tragic 
voice.) 

Nina {off stage). Infirm of purpose! Give me the 
daggers. The sleeping and the dead are but as pictures. 

Mrs. B. {gasps). Good land of Goshen; it's a crazy 
woman! {Backing away.) 

Nina {ojf stage). If he do bleed I'll guild the faces 
of the grooms withal. {Slowly enters, pointing, hut not 
directly at Mrs. Blair.) For it must seem their guilt. 
(Mrs. B., hacking away, overturns chair. Gives half- 
smothered shriek and darts hehind screen, which must he 
just the height to allow the feathers on hat to appear over 
top of screen.) Whence that knocking? How is it with 
me, when every noise appalls me? Will all great Nep- 
tune's ocean wash the blood clean from my hands ? {Com- 
ing over and pointing at screen. ) Shake not thy gory locks 
at me, thou canst not say I did it. {Screen is seen to 
tremhle and shake.) I'll strike thee now, though 'tis 
against my conscience. {Makes a stah at right side of 
screen. The feathers are seen to move in opposite direc- 
tion. A groan is heard. Sinks on floor with her hack 
partly to screen.) Come hither, pretty dove. {Business 
of taking imaginary child in her arms.) And must you 
die before the break of day? 

Mrs. B. {looking over top of screen). Not if I can 
get out of this pesky room alive I 



A BUNCH OF FUN 4I 

(The feathers are seen to move in the direction of 
c. door.) 

Nina. But hark! The soldiers even now are at the 
door; they would crush out your young life! {Feathers 
seem to move in opposite direction towards door R.) 
No. They are there! {Indicating door R. Feathers 
move in opposite direction. ) But I will foil them. You 
shall die by my hands. {Makes a dash towards screen, 
then suddenly stops.) No, I have blood enough upon my 
hands. Oh, will these little hands never be white ? {Re- 
tiring tozvards left entrance.) Get thee to a nunnery. 
To a nunnery go and quickly, too. {Slowly exits L. with 
arms raised.) Farewell, farewell! 

Mrs. B. {cautiously comes from behind screen). I'll 
go to a nunnery or granary to get away from that crazy 
loon. Land-a-Goshen, what goings on! 

[Exits quickly c, then R. 

Alice {reenters from r., convidsed with laughter. 
Nina from l.). Nina, you're a wonder! I was almost 
frightened myself. 

Nina. And Mrs. Blair can register no protest. Did 
I address one single word to her? Haven't I a perfect 
right to rehearse my readings? 

Alice. Of course you have. Nina, I don't know but 
what you are better in tragedy than you are in comedy. 
Your bit from Macbeth was positively thrilling. 

Nina. It seemed to be effective. Do you know, I 
believe I'll scratch one of my lighter numbers on the pro- 
gram and substitute a scene from Shakespeare. Let me 
see. How can I arrange it? Where's there a scrap of 
paper? {They are sitting at table.) 

Alice {spies envelope in book, takes it out). An old 
envelope that probably Murray dropped, and the doctor 
has used for a book-mark. 

Nina. That will do all right. {Picks up pencil from 
table.) First my a-b-c number, light trifles from Eugene 
Fields. {Writes on envelope.) 

Alice. They are always lovely. 

Nina. Then for my second number, I believe I'll be 
audacious enough to give the sleeping scene from Mac- 



42 A BUNCH OF FUN 

beth, or would the "Quality of Mercy" speech from 
"The Merchant of Venice," be better? 

Alice. Why not get up in both ? Have the program 
read, selections from Shakespeare, and on the evening 
give the one that seems to fit your mood. 

Nina. I believe I'll do just that. 

Alice. Then to appear later in the charming comedy 
role which Murray has written for you in the sketch. 
What an opportunity it gives you to display your skill 
and versatility. 

Nina. Murray has done good work in that sketch, 
and how well he plays his part. 

Alice {archly). Have you ever told him so ? 

Nina {with a shade of embarrassment). No — I — 
well, wouldn't it seem as if I was encouraging him to 
make love to me? 

Alice {smiling). And would that be so very distaste- 
ful to you ? 

{During the last speech or two, Nina in an abstracted 
way has been toying with envelope, and taken out the 
message paper.) 

Nina. I think Murray is a very nice boy, but 

{Smoothing out paper.) 

Alice. I am certain he adores you, Nina. The sketch 

has given his secret away to me, and (Nina, as 

she reads message, her face registers confusion, dismay.) 
What is it, Nina ? Has he written a confession to you ? 

Nina. No. What can this mean? It reads — like a 
confession — that might have come from me. But I never 
wrote it. And it is not in Murray's handwriting. Alice, 
what can it all mean ? A message like this tucked away 
in one of Dr. Grandon's books. It's uncanny. 

Alice {glances at message). I think it was written, 
dear, by some one who could read hearts correctly. 

Nina. I don't know. 

{Covers her face with her hands.) 
Alice. Keep it, Nina, and see if this mysterious ally 



A BUNCH OF FUN 43 

of Master Cupid doesn't betray himself within the next 
few hours. 

Nina. I am going to my room to take off these ab- 
surd clothes, and think. [Exits l. 

{A shout is heard from the bunch at tennis. Alici 
goes to c. door, looking off l.) 

Vera (is heard shouting). Al-i-ce! The ice-cream 
man is here ! Come and get a cone. 

Alice (waving her hand). All right, Vera, save me 
two. (Laughing, runs off.) 

Chris, (enters l. Goes over towards telephone, which 
is on stand against right wall. Shakes her head doubt- 
fully). I dunno. (Takes down receiver, calls.) Hello, 
dis is de rect'ry. — What number? Ah — Ah — I forgets. 
(Hangs up receiver. Goes over to book, searches for 
paper, shakes her head.) So ! (Continues her search on 
table.) I dunno. (Again goes to 'phone, takes down re- 
ceiver.) Hello! Dis is de rect'ry! — Number? I can't 
find de number. — Who I want to speak to? — Mr. Murray 
Kent. He ban up at a camp ! — He don't say if his name 
is in de book, maybe. — My name? — I'm Christina. — T'ank 
you, I'm pretty well. — I ain't got no number. — No, I can't 
tell you de message. Mr. Lynn say nobody must hear 
what I 'phone. — Yes, dat's so. — It was a message — Miss 
Lee say, which she didn't say, but would have said if 
she'd said it. (Angry.) Don't get funny. I ain't a 
Battie, I'm a Swede. — Miss Lee say, which she didn't say, 
dat Mr. Murray was the nicest feller she knew, and could 
make love on a stretch. — Ring off? Maybe I better do 
dat. (Hangs up receiver. Searches again. Trying to 
recall number. ) 3-9-7 — No. — 9-37 — Sure ! ( Takes down 
receiver.) Hello ! Dis is de rect'ry. I t'ink of dat num- 
ber now. 9-3-7-R. Get him quick, and tell him dat — a 

girl's house is on fire. No, I mean Hello ! Now da 

ring off! (Hangs up. Shrugs.) I dunno. [ 

(Takes a piece of gum and starts towards door L. 

Turns on hearing Dr. Grandon's voice off c.) 
Dr. G. It is really most extraordinary, most extraor- 
dinary ! 



44 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Mary {they appear at hack). Most extraordinary. 
{They stand looking off towards tennis court.) All the 
young people appear to be accotmted for. 

Martha {also appears). Yes, all except Miss Lee. 

Dr. G. Mrs. Blair must have seen some one. It could 
not have been an hallucination. {Turns.) Ah, there's 
Christina, perhaps she can enlighten us. 

Martha {almost a groan), Christina! I fear the 
v^^orst. 

Dr. G. Christina, did you see Mrs. Blair when she 
called here a few minutes ago ? 

Chris. Yes, Mister Grandon, I seen her, but, no, I 
didn't say nothings to her. I keep out of sight. 

Dr. G. Who did speak to her, and who was in sight? 
Mrs. Blair tells us that she came here and a crazy woman 
threatened to murder her. 

Chris. I dunno. Maybe she mean Miss Lee. 

Mary. Miss Lee, threaten murder? 

Chris. She scare me when I first seen her. She was 
all dressed up in a nightgown, and her hair flying; she 
look fierce. 

Martha. She may have been wearing a costume for 
their theatricals. 

Chris. Yes. I t'ink so. When Missie Blair came, 
Miss Lee was out there in the hall, saying dat somebody 
was firm on a purpose, and that she wanted daggers. 

Dr. G. a light begins to dawn on me. Miss Lee was 
doubtless rehearsing a scene from Macbeth. You recall 
the lines, Mary, " Infirm of purpose. Give me the dag- 
gers"? 

Mary. Yes, of course. But how unfortunate that 
Mrs. Blair should meet with a second indignity while call- 
ing here. Ah, what did Mrs. Blair say, or do, Christina? 

Chris. When Miss Lee come into the room here say- 
ing dat all de naptha in the ocean could not wash the 
bleed from her hands, Misses Blair she yells, kicks over 
a chair and runs behind dat screen. 

Mary. Hov/ unfortunate. How frightened the poor 
woman must have been. 

Chris. I t'ink so, for I seen de screen shake. 



A BUNCH OF FUN 45 

Mary. Miss Lee must have known that there was 
some one behind the screen. 

Chris. I dunno. Oh, Miss Lee went on fierce. She 
say some one had stolen her child, and dat soldiers was 
coming in dere. (Pointing to door c.) Den Misses Blair 
she skip over there. (Points to r.) 

Martha. How could you tell she skipped over there, 
if she was behind the screen ? 

Chris. The fedders on her hat stick over de top. 

Martha. How funny it must have looked. 

Chris. You ought to have seen it ! The fedders go- 
ing dis way, and dat. (Appropriate gestures.) 

(Martha laughs.) 

Mary. Martha, how can you ! Mrs. Blair will never 
forgive this indignity. 

Dr. G. Strange. Miss Lee did not realize she had an 
audience in hiding? 

Martha. I have not the slightest doubt but that she 
did fully. Stephen dear, do you recall my telling you 
that I thought probably the young people would make 
their presence felt before they were through with Mrs. 
Blair? 

Dr. G. Yes, I believe you did suggest that pos- 
sibly 

Martha. And how can Miss Lee be taken to task for 
rehearsing a scene that she is to give for your favorite 
mission ? 

Mary. Perhaps it may all be satisfactorily explained 
to Mrs. Blair. 

Martha. Bother Mrs. Blair! If she hadn't been an 
arrant coward and goose, she wouldn't have fled to cover 
like a frightened child. How did this nightmare end, 
Christina ? 

Chris. Miss Lee she raise her arms so! (Gesture.) 
and say : " Get thee to a tannery for a fare the well/' and 
quick as she come out in the hall Misses Blair beat it. 

Dr. G. It must have all been quite exciting. Well, 
now I hope quiet and peace will be restored. (Young 
people heard talking excitedly outside.. " What are the 



46 A BUNCH OF FUN 

bells ringing for?" "Is it a celebration?" "The pro- 
cession is coming this way." " Ray will find out," etc., 
etc. Tacks, Vera, Sylvia, Cecily and Alice come run- 
ning on at back.) What is the excitement? Have you 
heard why the bells are ringing ? 

Tacks. Not yet, Doctor, but we shall know soon. 

Vera. There appears to be some sort of a celebration 
going on in the village. 

Cecily. It looks as if it might be a parade. 

Syl. At the first tap of the bell Lynn rushed down 
the road like mad. 

Dr. G. How extraordinary ! 

Vera. When the procession came in sight, around the 
bend in the road, we saw Lynn talking to the head mar- 
shal as if he was trying to explain something. He was 
gesticulating wildly. 

Cecily. And when Ray saw that Lynn might be in- 
volved in the excitement, he started pell-mell in the direc- 
tion of Lynn. 

Syl. It reminds one of the old nursery rhyme: the 
butcher began to kill the ox, that tossed the dog, that 
worried the cat 

Martha {grimly). Perhaps it may be the police 
force coming " en masse " to capture Mrs. Blair's luna- 
tic lady. 

(Alice and Tacks have been looking off.) 

Tacks. Here comes Ray now, and laughing like an 
idiot. I guess the commotion cannot be anything very 
serious. 

Alice. Oh, that's no indication. Ray would laugh if 
a riot was imminent. 

Tacks. Here is the laughing youth ; let him speak for 
himself. 

(Ray runs on, laughing.) 

Alice. We — what is it ? Speak. 

Vera. Is it a wake or a wedding? 

Ray. Neither, but a suggestion of both. The funni- 



A BUNCH OF FUN 



47 



est stunt you ever heard of ! Hatched up by Lynn, as- 
sisted by Christina. 

All. Christina ? 

Ray {trying to restrain his laughter). From the brief 
explanation Lynn was able to give me, it seems he planned 
to pose as a mysterious cupid. He composed a touching 
message, supposed to express the sentiment a certain 
young woman, he refused to disclose who, entertained 
for Murray Kent, and persuaded Christina to 'phone this 
heart throb to Murray, but she must have got mixed on 
the number, for instead of smearing the wires out to camp 
with loves and kisses she called up the Fire Department ! 
For pulling funny stunts Christina has got Charhe Chap- 
lin beat forty different ways ! 

{Curtain falls during a chorus of laughter.) 
QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same as in Acts I and II. The evening 
of the lawn party. If possible the room in subdued 
light through colored shades. Chinese lanterns seen at 
back. The room in this act is used as an impromptu 
greenroom, where the performers meet between their 
numbers. The study and rooms off l. as dressing 
rooms. It woidd be effective if the girls all wore fancy 
costumes, such as a French peasant, a Dutch girl. 
Little Bo-peep, a colonial maid, or any attractive 
dress according to taste. The young men might do the 
same. Lynn in a clown suit, as he is supposed to give 
a funny monologue. The Grandons dressed fitting the 
occasion. Christina in neat white dress with apron 
and maid's cap. 

{As curtain rises Tacks, in cavalier costume, standing 
at c. door as if on guard, looking off. Dr. Grandon 
and Mary appear at back; they ere about to enter. 
Tacks bars their way.) 

Tacks {in feigned gruff voice). Are you among the 
company of royal players ? 

Dr. G. {entering into the spirit of the fun). No, Sir 
Knight. I am the Prime Minister of the King of Never- 
never Land. 

Tacks. And the lady, me lord? 

Dr. G. Is the Princess of Perpetual Sunshine. 

Tacks {bowing low). You are welcome, me lord and 
lady. {Steps aside for them to enter. All burst into 
laughter. Tacks, in natural voice.) There is quite a 
crowd out there, isn't there, Doctor? 

Dr. G. Yes, indeed; I'm amazed. I have never seen 
anything like it during my rectorship here at Heather- 
dale. 

48 



A BUNCH OF FUN 



49 



Mary. It must be the fame of your clever company 
which has attracted them, Sir Knight. 

Tacks {grinning^ Perhaps Mrs. Blair has been a 
good press agent without realizing it? 

Dr. G. {smiling). Perhaps she has. 

Tacks. And maybe Christina has done her share by 
spreading reports about the man who can take off his 
face? Poor Lynn! Well, at any rate, I think he and 
Murray have arranged a pretty good program. I am 
sorry I was not able to do more, but " stunts " are not 
just in my line. 

Mary. You are too modest, Mr. Mulford. I am sure 
the mandolin club's opening number pleased the audience 
tremendously. 

Tacks. They did appear to like it. But it was Cecily 
who was doing the real artistic work. 

Dr. G. But why are you not over with your friends, 
enjoying the fun? 

Tacks {slightly embarrassed). Ah — well — Vera 
thought somebody better remain here on guard, for you 
see the girls* dresses and jewelery are here, and 

Dr. G. {smiling). Ah, yes, I see. When Venus 
speaks, even football warriors, like the knights of old, 
must obey. 

Mary {bantering tone). Poor Sir Knight! While 
you are here keeping your faithful vigil, probably 
capricious Venus is sauntering in the moonlight scatter- 
ing her smiles in wanton gaiety. 

Tacks {with quizzical smile). Perhaps. 

Dr. G. I didn't happen to see Miss Vera out on the 
grounds, did you, Mary ? But there is such a crowd it is 
not surprising. 

Tacks. Oh, I don't mind Mrs. Grandon. Vera likes 
all this society flirtation fuss better than I do. So 
I 

Vera {pops out of door r.). Tacks, what on earth 
did Nina do with my eyebrow pencil? {Seeing the 
Grandons.) Oh! 

Dr. G. {taking hold of Mary's arm). Hem! My 
dear, I am afraid our friends will be missing us. 



I 

50 A BUNCH OF FUN ' 

(They hurry out of sight, quietly laughing.) 

Vera {provoked), I thought you were to keep every 
one but our bunch away while I was dressing? 

Tacks {looks her up and down, grinning). You ap- 
pear to be dressed. And I couldn't very well keep the 
rector out of his own house. 

Vera. Of course you couldn't, Tacks ; I am afraid I'm 
cross. 

Tacks {azvkwardly) . No, you are not, Vera. I don't 
believe you could be. 

Vera {demurely). Oh, yes, I can be, Tacks. {They 
are sitting fairly close together.) You see, you have only 
known me not quite two weeks yet. 

Tacks. But that has been long enough to show me 
that — that you are a thoroughbred, a — a peach of a thor- 
oughbred. 

Vera. You are awftiUy good to say so, Tacks. I 
can't see what makes you think so. {Sighs.) I can 
neither dance like Sylvia 

Tacks. Oh, Sylvia is all right, of course. I know 
Lynn thinks so. But dancing is her long suit, and a fel- 
low wouldn't want a girl who was dancing all the time. 

Vera. And then there's Nina, who acts and recites so 
beautifully. 

Tacks. I like Nina, but that's just it ; she acts so well 
a feller couldn't tell when she was in earnest or not. 

Vera. I know you must admire Cecily ; she plays the 
mandolin so delightfully, and that's your favorite instru- 
ment, you know. 

Tacks. Oh, the mandolin is just a pleasing toy. I 
like the guitar much better. Cecily is a mighty nice little 
kid, but I like a girl with more " pep " about her, fond 
of sports, that can wallop a ball. 

Vera {laughing). Or a highwayman's head. {Then 
seriously.) Do you know. Tacks, I can never forgive 
myself for hitting you as I did. 

Tacks. And you have kept on hitting me every day 
since, only in a different way. 

Vera. If I wasn't so horribly sorry, I wouldn't allow 
you to be talking to me as you are this evening. 



A BUNCH OF FUNT 5I 

Tacks. I haven't said half what I want to say, Vera. 
(About to take her hand. Christina enters c. Tacks, 
seeing her.) Well, what do you want? 

Chris. Mr. Lynn say how you should better come 
out and see the show. 

Tacks. What business is it of Mr. Lynn's where I 
am? {Annoyed.) Why didn't you stay out and see it 
yourself? 

Chris. Mr. Lynn he treat me to ice-cream to come in 
here. 

Tacks. Oh, he did? Well, here's a dollar for you to 
buy ice-cream to stay out. {Hands hill.) 

Chris, {takes money). I t'ink I stay out. [Exit. 

Tacks. I suppose Lynn thinks he's clever. Huh. 
The bull he made of getting the Fire Department here, or 
being responsible for it, ought to hold him for a while. 
I guess he wouldn't like it if I hired an ape to break him 
up when he was talking with his best girl. 

{Sounds of applause are heard in the distance.) 

Vera {crosses to c. door). But I haven't said I would 
be your best girl — yet. 

Tacks. But you will, won't you. Vera? 

Vera {coquetting). Well, I really hardly know what 
to say. I think you will agree. Tacks, that I seldom 
allow myself to become flustered, but on an occasion like 
this 

Tacks. Now you are trying to mimic Mrs. Grandon. 
I believe you would guy your own grandmother. 

{They start towards c, Vera laughing. They meet 
Lynn and Sylvia; she is carrying a box of candy.) 

Lynn. Hello! What are you spooners doing here? 
Why weren't you out to hear Nina capture the crowd 
with her Shakespeare act? 

Tacks {indignant). And leave the house wide open, 
for any one to come in and help themselves ? 

Syl. Lynn and I will relieve you now ; he to get into 
his comics, and I into my dancing clothes. 
{She is at door l.) 



52 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Vera. A lot of watching you will be able to do, each 
in your dressing rooms. 

Lynn. Don't you worry about us. 

[Lynn exits r. Sylvia exits L. 
Vera. At any rate, they will be the width of the room 
apart. 

Tacks. They are now. But just watch me give 
Christina another dollar, this time for her to come in. 

[They exit, c. 

(Sylvia and Lynn open doors and look out.) 

Syl. It looked as if we dropped in on a rather in- 
teresting tete-a-tete. The air seems to be charged with 
romance to-night. {They come down to front c. of stage.) 

Lynn. Yes, it does. What with moonlight, music 
and lovely girls 

Syl. And lovely candy. {Opens box and takes a 
chocolate.) How I shall enjoy it. 

Lynn. I might quote that old saw about giving 
sweets to the sweets. 

Syl. Lynn, you are becoming sentimental. 

Lynn. And you the inspiration to incite sentiment, 
ardor, love! 

{About to put his arm around her when Mrs. Blair's 
voice is heard off c.) 

Mrs. B. I'll telephone right off. I never see nothin* 
to beat it. 

(Lynn and Sylvia break away. She leaves the box 
of candy 07t table.) 

Syl. That Nemesis, Mrs. Blair! 

{Rushes out door l. Lynn starts for door r., but 
Mrs. Blair, entering, spies him.) 

Mrs. B. {gives half scream). Oh, Mr. Lockwood, 
you give me quite a turn. I'm as nervous as a witch to- 
night. What with lookin' after this thing and that, I'm 
fit to be tied. 

Lynn {zmth quiet sarcasm). Yes, Mrs. Blair, I no- 



A BUNCH OF FUN 53 

ticed you have been quite a busybody all the evening, so 
much to attend to. 

Mrs. B. And now I've got to telephone Simeon to 
send over a wash tub. 

Lynn. Ah, ah, is some one going to take a bath ? 

Mrs. B. No, it's for lemonade. They've drank one 
wash boiler full already. It's disappearin' like pourin' 
water down a sink. {Picks up receiver.) Give me 
2-2-4- J. {Addressing Lynn.) I never see such a 
thirsty crowd in my life. {In 'phone.) Can't get no 
answer? Huh, I'll bet a dollar that Simeon has fell 
asleep in his chair. 

Lynn. Does he frequently indulge in — a siesta? 

Mrs. B. Yes, Esther, our little girl, takes after him. 
I believe she'd go to sleep standin' up. {In 'phone.) 
Oh, is that you, Simeon ? This is Selina talkin'. — I most 
generally be ? — Now don't try and be smart, but go right 
out in the shed, empty them beans out of the big blue 
wash tub and bring it right over to the grounds. No, 
not on your back, in a wheelbarrow. — Never mind put- 
tin' on your shoes, come right over in your slippers, it's 
only a step. Get a move on you. {Hangs up.) We've 
never had nothin' like this in Heatherdale, not in my time. 
Such a crowd, and all free spenders. 

Lynn. Well, that's certainly very gratifying. 

Mrs. B. And you young people have helped quite a 
little. 

Lynn. Oh, nothing to speak of, only the entertain- 
ment. 

Mrs. B. Oh, yes, of course. But we women fur- 
nished the refreshments. Land-a-Goshen, the ice-cream 
is goin' like hot cakes. 

Lynn. And probably " hot dogs " would have gone 
like ice-cream. 

Mrs. B. Like enough. How pretty that Miss Lee can 
recite. She must have been practicing a piece when I 
came in the other day, got scared and must have made a 
fool of myself. Maybe you heard about it? 

Lynn. I believe I did hear the doctor mention that 
you called, yet no hint but that you appeared quite natural. 



54 A BUNCH OF FUN 

Mrs. B. Well, I mustn't be gabbin' here, or my com- 
mittee will be sendin' the constable to hunt me up, and 
Simeon won't know what to do with that wash tub. 

{Bustles out c, then L. Enter Alice, c, from r.) 

Alice. Where is Sylvia? It is almost time for her 
number, and you come next but one after that. 

Lynn. Is that right? And I haven't done a thing 
about my make-up. Sylvia is in there dressing. (Points 
L.) And I think Nina just came in too. 

Alice. I'll go in and help them. [Exits l. Lynn r. 

Martha (enters hurriedly, calling). Mrs. Blair! 
Mrs. Blair! 

Lynn (opening door, looking out). Mrs. Blair left 
here a moment ago. 

Martha. She is wanted at the lemonade stand right 
away. What on earth was she doing in here? 

Lynn. She was calling up a wash tub. 

Martha. Calling up a wash tub? What new freak 
has seized the woman now ? 

Lynn. She was actually talking to some one, whom 
she called Simeon, to bring over a wash tub, whoever 
Simeon may be. 

Martha. He's her husband. Did she get him? He 
frequently drops asleep. 

Lynn. She knows it. She's on to Simeon all right. 
She handed him quite a line of flossie talk. 

Martha. Oh, mercy ! I'll have to go and head him 
off. He's liable to come to the party in his overalls. 

Lynn. She suggested that he come over in his 
slippers. 

Martha. Oh, horrors! I must also find Christina 
and rescue her from sudden death. She is simply gorg- 
ing herself with ice-cream. (Christina appears at back. ) 
Oh, there you are, Christina ; I was going to look you up 
to say that too much ice-cream and sweets are bad for 
any one. So do be careful. 

Chris. Yes, Miss Martha, but I feel fine ! Mr. Tacks 
tell me I must eat a dollar's worth of ice-cream, and 



A BUNCH OF FUN 55 

{Taking coins from pocket and counting them.) and I 
only got fifteen cents' worth left. 

Martha. What with cake, lemonade, and peanuts, 
{Shakes her head.) you must have the capacity of a 
boa-constrictor. {Going.) I'll have my medicine chest 
in readiness. Now do be careful. [Exits c. 

Chris. Yes, Miss Martha. 

{Watches her out, turns and discovers box of candy. 
Looks cautiously about. Takes screen from r. c. 
and places it so she is hidden from c. door, hut can 
he fyJainly seen hy audience. She places a chair at 
right of screen, sits, with box of chocolates in her 
lap and begins leisurely to eat them, Cecily and 
Ray saunter in at c.) 

Ray. I have hardly had a moment to speak to you 
alone this evening, Cecily. 

Cecily. Of course you haven't. I was either playing 
or watching the show. 

Ray. But we are alone now, and it may be for the 
last time in I don't know how long. {Sighs.) For our 
party breaks up to-morrow. 

Cecily. And what a lovely time we have had, thanks 
to Alice, the Grandons — and you. 

Ray. I am glad that you included me, Cecily. Have 
I made you happy? 

Cecily. Why, of course you have. You have been 
so kind and attentive to your guests, and always so jolly. 

Ray. So have Tacks and Lynn and Murray been 
kind and jolly, but each one of them has found a charm- 
ing girl, who — cares for him, and perhaps become en- 
gaged to her. You don't know, Cecily, how fond I have 
become — of you. 

Cecily {looks at him archly for an instant). To how 
many girls have you said that very thing, Ray, a dozen? 

Ray {protesting). No! I 



Cecily {laughing). Eleven, then; ten 

Ray. Cecily, you are unkind. One would think we 
were only playing at the game of twelve little, eleven 
little, ten little Indians. It's a serious matter with me. 



56 A BUNCH OF FUN 

(Christina gives a deep sigh.) 

Cecily {startled). What was that? I thought I 
heard some one. 

Ray. You know every one is out on the grounds. It 
was just an excuse to change the subject. 

Cecily. No, it was not. {A slight pause; she toys 
with the ribbons on her gown or hat.) It is probably my 
mandoHn you Hke, Ray. It's the music that has gone to 
your head. 

Ray. And your glances to my heart. (Lynn quietly 
opens door R., discloses himself to audience made up as 
a clown.) Of course I realize we are still pretty young, 
but you remember what Tom Moore wrote : " There's 
nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream." 
You can just whisper your answer, Cecily. 

(Christina glances up and sees Lynn, releases a yell. 
Starts up; nearly knocks screen over in her mad at- 
tempt to escape. Cecily screams.) 

Lynn. I had no idea of promoting a riot, old man. 
Honestly, I thought no one was here ! 

Ray (a^z^ry, fo Christina). Say! Were you hiding 
behind that screen all the time listening? 

Chris. No. I wasn't listening — much. I just heard 
you say: " There is nothing half so sweet in life as love's 
ice-cream." Then I look up and see that, {Pointing to 
Lynn.) and ... it almost . . . take away my 
breath. 

Lynn. Yes, you appeared to lose control of your 
voice. {Crosses to l.) You'll have to settle your trou- 
bles, old man; I'll be late for my turn. {Knocks at door 
L.) Is Sylvia ready? 

Alice. Yes, Sylvia is all ready to go on. You both 
better go out this way, it's shorter. 

Lynn. All right. (Nina enters from L., dressed like 
a fashionable up-to-date city girl.) Gee! Nina, your 
get-up is great. If you looked any more stunning you'd 
have to charge admission. 



A BUNCH OF FUN 



57 



Nina. Thank you, Lynn. (Laughing.) 

Lynn. Come on, Sylvia, now for the star act! Can't 
you lend me a cloak, or something, to put over this rig? 

Sylvia (speaking from room). Perhaps this will do. 

Lynn. Just the thing. (Skips into room.) 

Cecily. Come, Ray, we must see their act. 

Ray (a little grouchy). All right. (Looking back at 
Christina.) You're an abnormal frost. 

[They exeunt c. door. 

Alice (kindly). Why don't you go out and see the 
entertainment, Christina, and get some of the refresh- 
ments? Mr. Lynn and Miss Lee are to give an awfully 
funny show. 

Chris. Miss Martha say I must be careful 

Alice. Not to leave the house, I suppose. Well, I'm 
going to be here for a little while. (To Nina.) Prob- 
ably no one will offer to treat her. See here, Christina, 
here's a half dollar, go and get yourself some ice-cream 
and cake. 

Chris. But Miss Martha say 

Alice. You tell Miss Martha I told you to go. That 
will be all right. (Hands coin.) 

Chris. T'ank you, Miss Huntings, (Meekly.) I might 
take a little cream. [Exit. 

Alice (seated r.). I have scarcely seen Murray all 
evening, have you? 

Nina (at l.). Just for a few minutes. He is pur- 
posely keeping out of sight. 

Alice. From you? 

Nina. Oh, no. He has an almost freakish aversion 
to mingling with an audience before he appears on the 
stage. A little crotchety perhaps, but I have read of 
many real actors who felt the same way. 

Alice. But where is he hiding? 

Nina. Out in the garage, all made up and ready. 
You know the garage almost opens onto our impromptu 
stage. 

Alice. Nina, what have you ever done with that 
mysterious paper we found in one of the doctor's books ? 

Nina. I have it here in my bag; I feel safer with it 



58 A BUNCH OF FUN 

by me. Cupid's mysterious ally, as you termed him, has 
not yet betrayed himself ? 

Alice. No. Let me have it, will you, please? I want 
to read it again. 

Nina. You will promise not to allow Murray to see it? 

Alice. Of course. On my honor, I won't. 

Nina {opens little wrist bag and hands Alice paper). 
Do you think you can discover the writer? 

Alice. I am going to try. 

Mary {appears at back). Pardon me for disturbing 
you, but I am looking for my sister ]\Iartha, and I didn't 
know but that she might have dropped in here. She is 
wanted at once over at the flower stand. No one ap- 
pears to know the price of anything. I cannot under- 
stand why she is not at her post. 

Alice. She has not been in here, Mrs. Grandon. 

Mary It really is so annoying. I wanted so much to 
hear Mr. Lynn tell his funny stories. I heard the audi- 
ence laughing immoderately. If you do see her, will you 
please tell her to join me at once at the flower booth? 

Alice. Yes, indeed, Mrs. Grandon. {Rises.) Can't 
I help you look for her? 

Mary. Oh, no, I thank you. {Going up c.) I am 
expecting a great treat in seeing you, Miss Nina, in the 
little play. I am sure it will be bright and entertaining. 

Nina. I hope we don't disappoint you, Mrs. Grandon. 

Mary. I am sure you will not. [Exits c, then r. 

Alice {again taking up paper). By mild deception, 
I have managed to get a sample of all the boys' hand- 
writing, and none of them is just like this. Lynn's comes 
the nearest. 

Nina. Wasn't it Lynn who Ray said persuaded Chris- 
tina to 'phone a message to Murray, which she bungled, 
and called up the Fire Department ? 

Alice. Yes, of course it was. How stupid in me. 

Dr. G. {appears at back). Pardon me, but is Mrs. 
Grandon here? 

Alice. No, Doctor. But she was here not three min- 
utes ago. She was looking for Miss Martha. 

Dr. G. How unfortunate. Mrs. Hunting wishes to 



A BUNCH OF FUN 59 

consult with her about repeating this fete to-morrow 
evening. I hope they do, for I really have had no op- 
portunity to see half the clever things you young people 
have been doing, my time has been so fully occupied 
{Laughing.) hunting up vanishing women. Doubtless I 
will find her. [Exits c, then l. 

Alice {the girls exchange smiles. Again consulting 
paper). It would be a rather delicate matter to accuse 
Lynn openly of inventing this message, for you see we 
would have to show it to him, and there comes in the em- 
barrassing part. 

Nina. No, I wouldn't want you to do that. Let's 
drop the affair for the present, at least till I am through 
with my performance. This talk is getting on my nerves. 

Alice. Naturally. It was stupid in me to bring the 
matter up just as you are about to appear in a new role. 

Martha {enters hurriedly, looks about). And he 
doesn't appear to be here. 

Alice. Who are you looking for. Miss Martha? 

Martha {evidently nettled). My brother, the rector. 
They want him to make a little speech of thanks to our 
patrons. Don't dare to say he has just left here, and was 
inquiring for Mary. That's what I have been told at 
every tent, booth, and stand for the past ten minutes. 

Alice {laughing) . I am afraid I'll have to, for that 
is precisely what has happened. 

Martha. Well, I am not going to continue running 
around in a circle a moment longer. Let the committee 
find him. I am going to see at least one number on the 
program. [Exits c, then l. 

Nina {the girls convulsed with laughter), A revival 
of the old game of hares and hounds ! 

Alice. In an ecclesiastical setting. And each one of 
them peeved because they were prevented from seeing the 
show ! 

Lynn {enters running). All ready, Nina, for the 
sketch ; Murray is waiting. 

Nina. All right, tell him I'll be there directly. 

{Going to C.) 
Alice. How did your number go ? 



6o A BUNCH OF FUN 

Lynn (carelessly). Oh, I made them laugh, so I 
guess I got by. 

Alice (^o Nina). Good luck, dear. I'll be watching. 
And make your acceptance of the country boy so real- 
istic that Murray will understand. 

Nina. Perhaps. 

(Smiling, runs off c. Lynn about to follow her.) 

Alice. Just one moment, Lynn, I want you to answer 
me a question. And honestly. 

Lynn. All right, shoot. 

Alice. You wrote this fake confession (Shaming 
paper.) and it's the message Christina bungled in send- 
ing the other day, isn't it ? 

Lynn. Yes. How on earth did you come by it? Did 
you find it in the book? 

Alice. Yes. But Nina was the first to read it. She 
was looking for a scrap of paper to scribble on. 

Lynn. What did she say? 

Alice. She hardly knew what to say. We were both 
mystified. How came you to do it? It seems to me it 
bordered on extremely poor taste. 

Lynn. I don't blame you a bit for thinking so. It 
looks that way to me now. But my intentions were 
good, and the idea was suggested to me by a twist in 
one of Shakespeare's plays. 

Alice. Huh ! Shakespeare never perpetrated any ab- 
surdity so outrageous as this. 

Lynn. He never originated any plots. He stole all 
his. 

Alice. We won't argue that point. Which of his 
plays suggested the idea to you? 

Lynn. " Much Ado About Nothing." Don't you re- 
member how Leonato, Claudio, Hero and Ursula hatched 
up a scheme of having Beatrice and Benedict overhear 
their conversation, and how the trick was the means of 
bringing the lovers together? 

Alice. Perfectly. 

Lynn. Well, it occurred to me that if Christina tele- 
phoned Alurray part of a conversation she had sup- 



A BUNCH OF FUN 01 

posedly overheard between — well, say you and Nina; 
and he, knowing her consistent stupidity and faculty for 
blurting out the truth at the most unfortunate time, all 
that would lend a touch of probability to her disclosure. 
But you drift in, purloin the camp's number and the mes- 
sage, Christina rings up the Fire Department, and the 
beans are spilled. But I still believe the scheme was a 
good one. 

Alice. As you explain it, it does sound plausible. 
Humph. What other suggestion can we borrow from 
Shakespeare ? We can't tack this paper up on a tree, as 
Orlando did in his wooing of Rosalind. 

Lynn. No. And Nina would shrink from dressing 
up in Viola's togs and doing a John Alden stunt. 

Alice. Yes, I suppose she would. {Impatiently.) 
Oh, bother their love affairs, I have wasted enough time 
thinking up plans. If Murray persists in being such a 
bashful bumpkin he deserves to lose Nina. 

Lynn. Precisely. Shakespeare would not only en- 
dorse your self-determination, but has given a hint at 
the only logical solution. 

Alice (laughing). How do you know? 

Lynn. I can quote two statements of his to prove it. 
First: "If ladies be but young and fair, they have the 
gift to know it," and we will all admit that Nina is young 
and fair. 

Alice. Most emphatically. 

Lynn. Now list to the profundity of my chain of 
reasoning, and this is the clincher: " Beauty itself doth of 
itself persuade the eyes of men without an orator." 
(Flourishes his hands.) Do you get me? I knew it was 
up to Shakespeare in some way to straighten out this 
difficulty. And now let's hie to the ring side, I mean stage 
side, and watch Beauty do the persuading. (Goes to l.) 

Alice. Lynn, you are a genius — at borrowing an- 
other's wit. (Burlesque gesture.) Lead on, Macduff! 
I'll follow thee. [They exeunt l. 

Vera (speaking as she and Tacks enter c). Tacks, 
you are the most impatient man. Trying to make a base 
hit every minute. 



t)l A BUNCH OF FUN 

Tacks. And you striking me out every time I come to 
bat. 

Vera. Tacks dear, you will learn, in time, that women 
have such a bewildering assortment of curves at their 
command that few men have ever been able to solve 
them. 

Tacks. Well, some men must, or there wouldn't be 
any marriages. 

Vera. Men don't really solve them, Tacks. Some 
pitchers either throw a straight ball, easy to hit; others, 
through pity, just toss them over; and some, I am afraid, 
are poor sports and sell out, but they lose the respect of 
every honest player. 

Tacks. Gee ! It's a more complicated game than I 
thought. (Slight pause.) Well, Vera, you are too fine 
a sport to ever sell out. I don't want pity and have you 
toss them over, just throw a good straight ball and I'll 
do my best to knock a homer — for both of us. 

Vera (goes to back, looking off. Turns and comes 
down near Tacks). I'll ease up on my pitching, and ad- 
mit I like you tremendously. But Lynn and Sylvia are 
coming this way; we don't want them to have the laugh 
on us again. Let's go into the study and see if we can't 
frame up some kind of a tentative contract, with a spe- 
cial clause that at any time either of us can be released, 
if we find it better and wiser to do so, before signing up 
for life. 

(She offers her hand, which he takes. They cross to 
door R.) 

Tacks (radiantly). Vera, you're a peach of a thor- 
oughbred. [They exit. 

Lynn (enters; looks cautiously about. Beckons to 
Sylvia, who enters). It's all right. I thought I saw 
Tacks and Vera come In this way ; they must have taken 
the path to the right. At any rate, they have disappeared. 

Syl. (who has been searching on table). .Yes, and so 
has my lovely box of candy ! 

Lynn. Where did you leave it? 

Syl. Right here on the table. 



A BUNCH OF FUN 63 

Lynn (laughing), I'll bet a hat that Christina pinched 
it. (Goes over by screen and finds remnants of box and 
contents.) Sure she did ! 

Syl. Well, of all the impudence. And after my giv- 
ing her a dollar to buy sweets. 

Lynn. So did L Gee, she would be an expensive girl 
to take to the beaches. Never mind, I'll buy you another 
box as soon as we get out on the grounds. 

Syl. I don't see why we wanted to come in. I was 
wild to see the end of the sketch. 

Lynn. You know how it ends. You saw it at re- 
hearsal last night. The girl accepts the rustic, and they 
are supposed to live happily ever after. Hang the happy 
endings in plays. {Coming over and sitting by Sylvia.) 
Sylvia, we dance so perfectly together on the stage, why 
can't we become partners — for always? 

{He puts his arm around her; she pushes it away.) 

Syl. See here, Lynn, this have and to hold business 
only occurs in the marriage service. 

Lynn {replaces his arm). Yes, I know, but isn't the 
prospective bridegroom entitled to a little practice? 

Syl. You seem quite at home in the art. And I ob- 
ject to being practiced on. {Rises and goes up to c.) 
We will have to vacate in favor of Ray and Cecily any- 
way. {Laughing.) I wonder if this old room at the 
rectory was ever converted into a spooning bower before ? 

Lynn. I don't know. {Crosses to l.) Let's go in 
here and watch their performance. 

Syl. {reluctantly joins him). I don't like to do that. 
It would seem a little indecent, wouldn't it? 

Lynn. Oh, I don't know, just for a minute. Haven't 
they chased us out ? 

Syl. Well, perhaps, just for a minute. 

[They exeunt u, leaving the door ajar. 

Cecily (Ray and Cecily appear at back). How 
prettily it all ended, and how naturally they acted. 

Ray. Of course they did, for it wasn't acting at all. 
They both meant it. And couldn't you see how the audi- 



64 A BUNCH OF FUN 

ence approved of the girl's accepting him ? All the world 
loves a lover, Cecily, all, it would seem, but you. 

Cecily. Oh, I always sympathize with lovers — on the 
stage. 

Ray. And I want you to in real life. {Goes up r. c, 
and after assuring himself that there is no one behind 
screen, places it so it forms a three-sided box. Places 
two chairs inside.) Now, Cecily, for a very last little 
talk. {A little reluctantly she sits in box. Ray beside 
her.) You have promised to write me, and that is about 
as far as we got. 

Cecily. Yes, I will write to you occasionally. 

Ray. And let me call and see you ? 

Cecily. Yes, do, whenever you are in the city. 

Ray. And you won't consent to even just a pretend 
engagement ? 

(Lynn and Sylvia appear at door l. An instant later 
Tacks and Vera at door r. Vera signals to Sylvia, 
puts her finger to lips and points to box. Lynn and 
Sylvia nod, and during the following conversation 
all steal up stealthily, till they stand behind screen 
looking down at Ray and Cecily.) 

Cecily. Ray, I actually believe the moonlight, the 
music, and the closing scene in the play, have turned 
your head. 

Ray. The moonlight and music have nothing to do 
with it. As I told you not an hour ago, it is you, your 
own fascinating self, that has bewitched me. You do 
care for me, don't you, Cecily ? We are all alone. An- 
swer me ; is it yes or no ? 

{The young people above have been exchanging 
glances. Lynn zvaves his hand, one, two; at three 
they all shout No! They all burst into laughter, 
even Ray is forced to join.) 

Cecily {at r.). Their word is not final, Ray! 
Ray {eagerly). Then your answer is ? 



A BUNCH OF FUN 65 

Cecily. Yes. I will write to you occasionally. 

(^Laughing.) 

Ray (spreads out his hands). Stung! 

(Cecily and Ray dozvn r.. Tacks and Vera up r. c, 
Lynn and Sylvia down l.) 

Vera. Don't you care, Ray. I can tell Cecily means 
yes in her heart all the time. 

Tacks. How can you tell that? 

Vera. By the dimples in her chin. A girl with 
dimples always means yes when she says no. They go 
with a certain curve she pitches. 

(Tacks looks in Vera's face searchingly.) 

Tacks {shakes his head). It's a mighty complicated 
game. It's got football signals beat a mile. 

Lynn. Well, I want to tell the world that we have 
had one splendid grand time here at Heatherdale ! 

Tacks. And that Doctor and Mrs. Grandon are both 
eighteen karat gold. 

Syl. And Miss Martha? 

Lynn. Oh, she's platinum. A little harder to melt, 
but pure metal to the core. 

Cecily. And how about Alice and Ray? {Smiling.) 
We are indebted to them for everything. 

Lynn. Alice is the solitaire diamond, in whose spark- 
ling rays — {Indicating Ray.) that includes you, we have 
all been scintillating for the past two weeks. {To Syl- 
via.) Say, that's pretty good. I believe I'll take up 
literature. 

Dr. G. {as guests pass at hack. Dr. Grandon shak- 
ing hands with them). "Yes, it was all delightful." 
" Yes, indeed, a great success." " Good-nieht, so glad 
you could come." {He enters.) Well, my dear friends, 
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness in 
giving us this delightful entertainment. 

Lynn. Dr. Grandon, if we should give you a concert 
every night for a week it would be but meager compen- 



66 A BUNCH OF FUN 

sation for the magnificent hospitality that you have ex- 
tended to us. {Bowing. Then turning to Sylvia.) Say, 
I grow better every minute ! 

Vera. Yes, Doctor, that's just the way we all feel. 

Tacks. And then some. 

Dr. G. (smiling). Well, really, I am afraid you over- 
rate our part. 

(Mrs. Grai^don and Nina appear at back.) 

Lynn. There's Nina! Only an innate deUcacy pre- 
vents me from bursting out into " Here comes the 
bride"! 

(Alice and Murray appear smiling and talking.) 

Mary. It was dear in you, Miss Nina, selecting me as 
the first one to offer you and Mr. Kent congratulations. 

MuR. It was the only proper thing, Mrs. Grandon, 
for Nina to do. For if you had not been so gracious 
as to receive us here — Ah 

Lynn (in Murray's hesitating tones). I should have 
been obliged to remain a bachelor all my life. 

Dr. G. I am not so sure about that, Mr. Kent. I was 
impressed with a note of deep sincerity by the way you 
spoke the closing lines in your charming little play. 

(Martha enters.) 

Mary. Come, Martha, and add your good wishes. 
Our young friends here, The Rube and the Daisy, have 
decided to continue their love-making through, I trust, 
many, many happy years. 

Martha. I am sure they will. (Shakes hands with 
them.) Even an old spinster never tires watching and 
smiling at the antics of Dan Cupid. 

MuR. Thank you, Miss Martha. 

Cecily. Of course Dr. Grandon will perform the 
ceremony. 

Dr. G. (smiling). Well, I should be proud and happy 
to do so. 

Lynn. Dr. Grandon, I don't wish to appear at all 



A BUNCH OF FUN 6j 

flippant, but is there any special fee, regarded as being 
most fitting, when you conduct a triple wedding? For 
Sylvia and I, and I fancy Tacks and Vera, with a near 
possibility of Cecily and Ray 

Martha. Mary, have we been conducting a matri- 
monial bureau unawares? 

Mary (laughing) . It would almost seem like it. 

Dr. G. Well, my good friends, I truly regret that you 
are all leaving to-morrow. You have made us all very 
happy. (Chuckles.) Mr. Hunting prophesied that we 
would find you an inspiring bunch of fun, and you have 
been all that. I never had the gift of making fun myself, 
but it is a splendid tonic. As my dear brother Thad- 
deus used to say: 

" A bit of fun, and a good hearty laugh, 
Will lighten your burden at least one-half." 

Alice. In my opinion, the arch fun-maker has been 
Christina. 

Dr. G. I don't know but that that is so. Ah, where 
is Christina? 

Tacks (looking off). Here she comes. Great Scott, 
what has she in her arms? 

(Christina enters carrying a large ice-cream freezer.) 

Martha. Christina ! What under the canopy 

Chris. Mrs. Blair say can she leave this here for the 
night. It's empty. 

Martha. I'll warrant it is. 

Lynn. Well, Doctor, if we ever have the pleasure of 
putting on another show here in Heatherdale, Christina 
will certainly be starred. 

Chris. But I wouldn't like to be starved. 

Lynn. Starred, Christina. Play all the funny parts, 
make us all laugh. 

Chris. So ! Well, maybe I could do dat. For when- 
ever I do wrong t'ings you all say, how funny, and Miss 
Martha scold. And when I do right you all laugh. 



68 A BUNCH OF FUI^ 

( With a sly glance at audience. ) And so do other peoples. 
Maybe it's because I ban a Swede? (Shrugs.) I dunno. 

(Cecily and Ray down r.. Tacks and Vera up r. c. 
Dr. Grandon and Mary up c, Lynn and Sylvia 
down L., Alice, Nina and Murray up by l. c, 
Christina at front c. near Miss Martha.) 



CURTAIN 



PROFESSOR PEPP 

A Farcical Comedy with a College Flavor it. Three Acts 

By Waiter Sen Hare 
Nine males, seven females. Costumes, modern j scene, an easy eX' 
terior, the same for all three acts. Plays two hours and twenty minutes. 
Professor Pepp, on a vacation trip to Russia, is initiated by Boris Ardoff, 
a Russian humorist and former pupil of the Professor's, into a Nihilist So- 
ciety " The Redeemers," and is so unlucky as to draw the red ball which 
obliges him to murder the Princess Katchakoffsky. In terror he at 
once flies from Russia, but Boris, to prolong the joke, writes ahead of him 
to a friend on the faculty, telling the story and revealing the password — 
" Bumski." With this weapon everybody in turn ha:; his own way w/ith 
the terrified Professor, who sees a Nihilist in every bush. A side-splitter 
with more good parts than any piece of its kind for years. Strongly rec- 
f»mmended lor school or college performance. ^rice,j^ cents 

CHARACTERS 
Professor Peterkin Pepp, a nervous wreck. 
Mr. C. B. Buttonbuster, a giddy butterfly of forty-eight, 
Howard Green, his son, who had the court change his name, 
Sim Batty, the police force of a college town. 
Peddler Benson, working his way through school. 
Noisy Y\J£m\^g, just out of high school. 
Pink Hatcher, an athletic sophomore. 
Buster Brown, a vociferous junior. 
Betty Gardner, the professor s, ward. 

Aunt Minerva Boui der, his housekeeper, from Skowhegan, Maim>. 
Petunia Muggins, the hired girl. 
Olga Stopski, the new teacher of folk-dancing, 
Kitty Clover, a collector of souvenirs. 
Vivian Drew, a college belle. 
Irene Van Hilt, « social leader. 
Caroline Kay, the happy little freshman. 

Students, Co-eds, etc, 

SYNOPSIS 
Act J. P'ofessor Pepp's residence on the college campus* 
Act II. Same scene. Surrounded by the nihilists. 
Act ill. Same scene. A double wedding. 

NOT ON THE PROGRAMME 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Three males, thr^e females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a singJc i«r 
terior. Plays forty minutes. Mrs. Whitney, rehearsing for amateur the- 
atricals with Vincent Fielding, a dramatic coach, in her own home, i$ 
misunderstood by Ophelia )ohn.«;on (colored), her maid, who summoBS the 
{)olice to straighten out what seems to ber a very criminal state of things. 
'Rastus Brown, a plumber and avlmi'er of Ophelia, helps Officer Hogan to 
muddle matters into a very laugHable stare ot confusion. Easy 9X\ 
strongly recommended. Ffic€. 2^cent!i 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 

An American Comedy in Four Acts 
By Walter Ben Hare 

Author of " Professor Pcpp," " Much Ado About Betty,** 
" The Hoodoo," " The Dutch Detective," etc. 

Six males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interior* 
and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Royalty, ten dollars ($10,00) for 
each performance. A more ambitious play by this popular author in the 
same successlul vein as his previous oflerings. Bemis Bennington is left 
two million dollars by his uncle on condition that he shall live for one 
year in a town of less than five thousand inhabitants and during that 
period marry and earn without other assistance than his own industry and 
ability the sum of five thousand dollars. Failing to accomplish this the 
money goes to one Professor Noah Jabb. This is done despite the energetic 
opix)sition of Jabb, who puts up a very interesting fight. A capital play 
that can be strongly recommended. Plenty of good comedy and a great 
variety of good parts, full of opportunity. 

Price f^^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Bemis Bennington. Fay Fairbanks. 

Hun. Jeremy Wise. Mrs. Clarice Courtenay. 

James Patrick Burns, "Stubby," Genevieve McGully. 

Professor Noah Jabb. Sammie Bell Porter* 

J^everly Loman. . Pink. 

Squire Piper. 

Several Hill- Billies. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The law office of Hon. Jeremy Wise, New York CHy. 
A morning in July. 

Act H. — The exterior of the court-house, Opaloopa, Alabama, 
An afternoon in October. 

Act hi. — Same as Act H. The next afternoon. 

Act IV. — Mrs. Courtenay's sitting-room, Opaloopa, Alabama 
A night in April. 



ISOSCELES 

A Play in One Act 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Two male, one female characters. Costumes, modern ; scene, an in 

terior. Plays twenty minutes. Royalty $2.50 for each perforrpe.nce. An 
admirabie little travesty of the conventional emotional recipe calling for 
husband, wife and lover. Played in the proper spirit of burlesque it is 
tiowlingly funnv. Strongly recommended for the semi-professional uses 
o{ schools of acting. A capital bit for a benefit or exhibition programme^; 
jeering a decided novelty. 



r 



Plays for Junior Hig^ Schools 



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187/ 



